CHAPTER XI.

_CURIOUS AND ECCENTRIC ADVERTISEMENTS._ Advertisements of the kind which form the subject of this chapter have been so often made matter of comment and speculation, have so often received the attention of essayists and the ridicule of comic writers, that it is hard to keep out of the beaten track, and to find anything fresh to say upon a topic which seems utterly exhausted. Yet the store of fun is so great, and the excellence of many old and new stories so undoubted, that courage is easily found for this the most difficult part of the present work. Difficult, because there is an embarrassment of riches, an enormous mine of wealth, at command, and the trouble is not what to put in, but what to leave out, from a chapter on quaint and curious advertisements. Difficult again, because some of the best stories have been told in so many and such various guises, that until arriving at the ends it is hard to tell they have a common origin, and then the claims of each version are as near as possible equal. There is, however, a way out of all difficulties, and the way in this is to verify the advertisements themselves, and pay no attention to the apocrypha to which they give rise; and though it is a tedious proceeding, and one which shows little in return for the pains taken, it may be something to our readers to know, that curious as many of the specimens given are, they are real and original, and that in the course of our researches we have unearthed many impostures in the way of quotations from advertisements which have never yet appeared, unless private views of still more private copies of papers have been allowed their promulgators. There is, after all, little reason for a display of inventive power, for the real material is so good, and withal so natural, as to completely put the finest fancy to a disadvantage. It has already been remarked that in the whole range of periodical literature there is no greater curiosity than the columns daily devoted to advertisements in the _Times_. From them, says a writer a few years back, “the future historian will be able to glean ample and correct information relative to the social habits, wants, and peculiarities of this empire. How we travel, by land or sea--how we live, and move, and have our being--is fully set forth in the different announcements which appear in a single copy of that journal. The means of gratifying the most boundless desires, or the most fastidious taste, are placed within the knowledge of any one who chooses to consult its crowded columns. Should a man wish to make an excursion to any part of the globe between Cape Horn and the North Pole, to any port in India, to Australia, to Africa, or to China, he can, by the aid of one number of the _Times_, make his arrangements over his breakfast. In the first column he will find which ‘A 1 fine, fast-sailing, copper-bottomed’ vessel is ready to take him to any of those distant ports. Or, should his travelling aspirations be of a less extended nature, he can inform himself of the names, size, horse-power, times of starting, and fares, of numberless steamers which ply within the limits of British seas. Whether, in short, he wishes to be conveyed five miles--from London to Greenwich--or three thousand--from Liverpool to New York--information equally conclusive is afforded him. The head of the second, or sometimes the third column, is interesting to a more extensive range of readers--namely, to the curious; for it is generally devoted to what may be called the romance of advertising. The advertisements which appear in that place are mysterious as melodramas, and puzzling as rebuses.” These incentives to curiosity will receive attention a little further on; meanwhile we will turn to those which are purely curious or eccentric. The record of these notices to the public is so extensive, and its ramifications so multifarious, that so far as those advertisements which simply contain blunders are concerned, we must be satisfied with a simple summary, and in many cases leave our readers to make their own comments. Here is a batch of those whose comicality is mainly dependent upon sins against the rules of English composition. We will commence with the reward offered for “a keyless lady’s gold watch,” which is, though, but a faint echo of the “green lady’s parasol” and the “brown silk gentleman’s umbrella” anecdotes; but the former we give as actually having appeared, while so far the two latter require verification. A lady advertises her desire to obtain a husband with “a Roman nose having strong religious tendencies.” A nose with heavenly tendencies we can imagine, but even then it would not be Roman. “A spinster particularly fond of children,” informs the public that she “wishes for two or three having none of her own.” Then a dissenter from grammar as well as from the Church Established wants “a young man to look after a horse of the Methodist persuasion;” a draper desires to meet with an assistant who would “take an active and energetic interest in a small first-class trade, and in a quiet family;” and a chemist requests that “the gentleman who left his stomach for analysis, will please call and get it, together with the result.” Theatrical papers actually teem with advertisements which, either from technology or an ignorance of literary law, are extremely funny, and sometimes alarming, and even the editorial minds seem at times to catch the infection. One of these journals, in a puff preliminary of a benefit, after announcing the names of the performers and a list of the performances, went on: “Of course every one will be there, and for the edification of those who are absent, a full report will be found in our next paper.” This is worthy of a place in any collection: “One pound reward--Lost, a cameo brooch, representing Venus and Adonis on the Drumcondra-road, about ten o’clock, on Tuesday evening.” And so is this: “The advertiser, having made an advantageous purchase, offers for sale, on very low terms, about six dozen of prime port wine, late the property of a gentleman forty years of age, full in the body and with a high bouquet.” The lady spoken of in the following would meet with some attention from the renowned Barnum: “To be sold cheap, a splendid grey horse, calculated for a charger, or would carry a lady with a switch tail.” But she would find a formidable rival in the gentleman whose advertisement we place as near as possible, so as to make a pair: “To be sold cheap, a mail phaeton, the property of a gentleman with a moveable head, as good as new.” Students of vivisection, and lovers of natural history generally, would have been glad to meet with this specimen of life after decapitation: “Ten shillings reward--Lost by a gentleman, a white terrier dog, except the head, which is black.” And as congenial company we append this: “To be sold, an Erard grand piano, the property of a lady, about to travel in a walnut wood case with carved legs.” Differing somewhat, though still of the same kind, is the advertisement of a governess, who, among other things, notifies that “she is a perfect mistress of her own tongue.” If she means what she says, she deserves a good situation and a high rate of wages. An anecdote is told of a wealthy widow who advertised for an agent, and, owing to a printer’s error, which made it “a gent,” she was inundated with applications by letter, and pestered by personal attentions. This story requires, however, a little assistance, and may be taken for what it is worth. Not long ago, a morning paper contained an announcement that a lady going abroad would give “a medical man” £100 a year to look after “a favourite spaniel dog” during her absence. This may not be funny, but it is certainly curious, and in these days, when starvation and misery are rampant, when men are to be found who out of sheer love kill their children rather than trust them to the tender mercies of the parish officials, and when these same officials are proved guilty of constructive homicide, it is indeed noticeable. A kindred advertisement, also real and unexaggerated, asks for “an accomplished poodle nurse. Wages £1 per week.” This has double claims upon our attention here, for in addition to the amount offered for such work, there is a doubt as to the actual thing required. Is it a nurse for accomplished poodles, or an accomplished nurse? And, if the latter, what in the name of goodness and common sense is accomplishment at such work? Do poodles require peculiar nursery rhymes and lullabies, or are they nursed, as a vulgar error has it about West-country babies, head downwards? This is not the exact expression used with regard to the infants; but it will do. We will conclude this short list of peculiarities with two which deserve notice. The first is the notice of a marriage, which ends, “No cards, no cake, no wine.” This is evidently intended for friends other than those “at a distance,” whose polite attention is so constantly invoked. The remaining specimen appeared in the _Irish Times_, and runs thus: “To Insurance Offices.--Whatever office the late William H. O’Connell, M.D. life was insured will please to communicate or call on his widow, 23 South Frederick Street, without delay.” One hardly knows which to admire most, the style or the _insouciance_ of the demand. Of curious advertisements which are such independent of errors, selfishness, or moral obliquity, we have in the purely historical part of this work given plenty specimens from olden times; but there are still a few samples of the peculiarities of our ancestors which will bear repetition in this chapter, more especially as most of them have not before been unearthed from their original columns. Before quoting any of those which are purely advertisements in the ordinary sense of the word, we will present to our readers a curious piece of puffery which appeared in an Irish paper for May 30, 1784, and which from its near connection with open and palpable advertising, and from its whimsical character, will not be at all out of place, and will doubtless prove interesting, especially to those of a theatrical turn of mind, as it refers to the gifted Sarah Siddons’s first appearance in Dublin. The article runs thus: “On Saturday, Mrs Siddons, about whom all the world has been talking, exposed her beautiful, adamantine, soft, and lovely person, for the first time, at Smock-Alley Theatre, in the bewitching, melting, and all-tearful character of _Isabella_. From the repeated panegyrics in the impartial London newspapers, we were taught to expect the sight of a heavenly angel; but how were we supernaturally surprised into the most awful joy, at beholding a mortal goddess. The house was crowded with hundreds more than it could hold,--with thousands of admiring spectators, that went away without a sight. This extraordinary phenomenon of tragic excellence! this star of Melpomene! this comet of the stage! this sun of the firmament of the Muses! this moon of blank verse! this queen and princess of tears! this Donnellan of the poisoned bowl! this empress of the pistol and dagger! this chaos of Shakspeare! this world of weeping clouds! this Juno of commanding aspects! this Terpsichore of the curtains and scenes! this Proserpine of fire and earthquake! this Katterfelto of wonders! exceeded expectation, went beyond belief, and soared above all the natural powers of description! She was nature itself! She was the most exquisite work of art! She was the very daisy, primrose, tuberose, sweet-brier, furze-blossom, gilliflower, wall-flower, cauliflower, auricula, and rosemary! In short, she was the bouquet of Parnassus! Where expectation was raised so high, it was thought she would be injured by her appearance; but it was the audience who were injured:--several fainted before the curtain drew up! When she came to the scene of parting with her wedding-ring, ah! what a sight was there! the very fiddlers in the orchestra, ‘albeit, unused to the melting mood,’ blubbered like hungry children crying for their bread and butter; and when the bell rang for music between the acts, the tears ran from the bassoon players’ eyes in such plentiful showers, that they choked the finger stops; and making a spout of the instrument, poured in such torrents on the first fiddler’s book, that, not seeing the overture was in two sharps, the leader of the band actually played in one flat. But the sobs and sighs of the groaning audience, and the noise of corks drawn from the smelling-bottles, prevented the mistake between flats and sharps being discovered. One hundred and nine ladies fainted! forty-six went into fits! and ninety-five had strong hysterics! The world will scarcely credit the truth, when they are told, that fourteen children, five old women, one hundred tailors, and six common-councilmen, were actually drowned in the inundation of tears that flowed from the galleries, the slips, and the boxes, to increase the briny pond in the pit; the water was three feet deep; and the people that were obliged to stand upon the benches, were in that position up to their ankles in tears! An Act of Parliament against her playing any more will certainly pass.” As this effusion appeared almost immediately after the famous actress’s first appearance, we are hardly wrong in considering it as half an advertisement. It must certainly have helped to draw good houses during the rest of her stay. Lovers of the gentle craft maybe interested to know that what was perhaps the earliest advertisement of Izaak Walton’s famous little book “The Compleat Angler” was published in one of Wharton’s Almanacs. It is on the back of the dedication-leaf to “Hemeroscopeion: Anni Æra Christianæ, 1654.” Hemeroscopeion was William Lilly, and the almanac appeared in 1653, the year in which Walton’s book was printed. The advertisement says:-- There is published a Booke of Eighteen-pence price, called _The Compleat Angler_, Or, _The Contemplative man’s Recreation_: being a Discourse of Fish and Fishing. Not unworthy the perusall. Sold by _Richard Marriot_ in S. _Dunstan’s_ Church-yard, _Fleetstreet_. The publication of births, marriages, and deaths seems to have begun almost as soon as newspapers were in full swing. At first only the names of the noble and eminent were given, but soon the notices got into much the same form as we now find them. One advantage of the old style was that the amount a man died worth was generally given, though how the exact sum was known directly he died passes our comprehension, unless it was then the fashion to give off the secret with the latest breath. Even under such circumstances we should hesitate to believe some people of our acquaintance, who have tried now and again, but have never yet succeeded in telling the truth about their own affairs or those of their relatives. And doubtless many an heir felt sadly disappointed, on taking his property, to find it amount to less than half of the published sum. Notices of marriages and deaths were frequent before the announcement of births became fashionable; and in advertisements the real order of things has been completely changed, as obituaries began, marriages followed, and births came last of all. In the first number of the _Gentleman’s Magazine_, January 1731, we find deaths and marriages published under separate heads, and many papers of the time did likewise. The _Grub Street Journal_ gave them among the summary of Domestic News, each particular item having the initials of the paper from which it was taken appended, as was done with all other information under the same head; for which purpose there was at the top of the article the information that C. meant _Daily Courant_, P. _Daily Post-Boy_, D. P. _Daily Post_, D. J. _Daily Journal_, D. A. _Daily Advertiser_, S. J. _St James’s Evening Post_, W. E. _Whitehall Evening Post_, and L. E. _London Evening Post_. In the number for February 7, 1734, we find this:-- _Died_ last night at his habitation in Pall-mall, in a very advanced age, count Kilmanseck, who came over from Hanover with King George I. _S. J._--At his lodgings. _L. E._ _D. A. Feb. 1._--Aged about 70. _P. Feb. 1._----Of the small-pox, after 8 days illness, in his 23d year count Kilmansegg, son of the countess of Kilmansegg, who came over from Hanover the beginning of the last reign. _D. P. Feb. 1._--He came over with his highness the prince of Orange, as one of his gentlemen. _D. J. Feb. 1._--_Tho’_ Mr Conundrum _cannot_ account _for these different_ accounts _of these two_ German counts, _yet he_ counts _it certain, that the younger_ count _was the_ son of the countess, who came over _from the_ county _of_ Hanover. About the same time we find in the same paper another paragraph worthy of notice:-- _Died_, last week at Acton, George Villers, Esq; formerly page of the preference to queen Anne, said to have died worth 30,000l.--Mr Ryley, a pay-master serjeant, as he was drinking a pint of beer at the Savoy. _D. J._--On friday Mr Feverel, master of the bear and rummer tavern in Gerard-street, who was head cook to king William and queen Anne, reputed worth 40,000l. _P._--Mr Favil. _D. P._--Mr Favel. _D. J._--Mr Fewell, 21,000l. _D. A._ On March 14, also of 1734, there is this:-- _Died_ on tuesday in Tavistock-street, Mr Mooring, an eminent mercer, that kept Long’s warehouse, said to have died worth 60,000l. _D. J._--_This was 5 days before he did die, and_ 40,000l. _more than he_ died worth _according to_ D. P. _Mar. 12_. And on the 28th this:-- _Died_ yesterday morning admiral Mighelles. _C._--Mighells. _P._--Mighills. _D. P._--A gentleman belonging to the earl of Grantham was found dead in his bed. _P._ And so on, there being announcements in every number, many of which showed differences in the daily-paper notices. There are also plenty of marriage announcements, which, as a rule, give the amounts obtained with the ladies, and sometimes the gentlemen’s fortunes. The following is from the _G. S. J._ of February 21, 1734:-- _Married_, yesterday at S. James’s church by the right rev. Dr Hen. Egerton, lord bishop of Hereford, the hon. Francis Godolphin, of Scotland-yard, Esq; to the 3d daughter of the countess of Portland, a beautiful lady of 50,000l. fortune. _P._--Will. Godolphin, Esq; to the lady Barbara Bentinck, &c. _D. P._--At the chapel-royal, at S. James’s: youngest daughter, &c. _D. J._ _D. A._ A few weeks later on there is this:-- _Married_ this day the countess of Deloraine, governess to the princesses Mary and Louisa, to Will. Wyndham, Esq; son to the late col. Wyndham. _L. E._--_They were not_ married _’till_ 10 at night. And on April 25 this:-- _Married_ a few days since -- Price, a Buckinghamshire gentleman of near 2000l. per ann. to miss Robinson of the Theatre Royal in Drury-lane. _L. E._--On tuesday, the lord Visc. Faulkland to the lady Villew, relict of the late lord Faukland, a lady of great merit and fortune. _D. P._--Mr Price’s marriage is entirely false and groundless. _D. A. Ap. 24._ There are in the _Journal_, as well as in contemporary and earlier papers, occasional references to births as well, but none calling for any comment at our hands. In the _Gentleman’s Magazine_ of February 1736 there are two notices of deaths, one commencing the list, which is curious, and the other immediately following, which cannot fail to be interesting:-- SIR _Brownlowe Sherard_, Bt in _Burlington_ Gardens. He was of a human Disposition, kind to his Servants dislik’d all extravagant Expence, but very liberal of his Fortune, as well to his Relations and Friends, as to Numbers of distressed Objects; and in particular, to St. _George’s_ Hospital, near _Hyde-Park Corner_. _Bernard Lintott_, Esq., formerly an eminent Bookseller in _Fleet-street_. High Sheriff for Sussex, aged 61. Also the Earl of Derby, and several men who are noted to have died worth sums varying from £13,000 to £100,000, find obituary notices. These give particulars of the lives of the deceased, and the ways in which the various properties are disposed of, very different from the short announcements of modern days. Thus we find that by the death of the Hon. Walter Chetwynd, the barony of Rathdown in the county of Dublin, and viscounty of Chetwynd of Beerhaven in the county of Cork, both in the peerage of Ireland, became extinct, but that his brother, John Chetwynd, was consoled by an estate of £3000 per annum; that Mrs Eliza Barber succumbed to “an illness she had contracted in Newgate on a prosecution of her master, a baronet of Leicestershire, of which being honourably acquitted, and a copy of her indictment granted, she had brought an action of £1000 damages;” that Mr Fellows was an eminent sugar-baker; and that Gilbert Campbell had during his life got himself into trouble for misinterpreting his duties as an attorney. The marriage lists have also the admirable fashion of giving the sums of money obtained with the brides or bridegrooms as the case may be, and in some instances the amounts of revenue. In the _London Journal_ of February 7, 1730, there is the following, which shows that the presentation of advertisement-books gratis is by no means a novelty:-- _At the_ New Masquerade Warehouse _in_ Henrietta Street, Covent Garden, _are given gratis_. PRINTED Speeches, Jokes, Jests, Conundrums and smart Repartees, suited to each Habit, by which Gentlemen and Ladies may be qualified to speak what is proper to their respective Characters. Also some Dialogues for two or more Persons, particularly between a Cardinal and a Milkmaid; a Judge and a Chimney-sweeper; a Venetian Courtezan and a Quaker; with one very remarkable between a Devil, a Lawyer and an Orange Wench. At the same place is to be spoke with Signor ROSARIO, lately arrived from Venice, who teaches Gentlemen and Ladies the behaviour proper for a Devil, a Courtezan, or any other Character. And whereas it is a frequent practice for Gentlemen to appear in the Habits of Ladies, and Ladies in the habits of Gentlemen, Signor ROSARIO teaches the Italian manner of acting in both capacities. The Quality of both Sexes may be waited on and instructed at their Houses. Also in 1730 two Roman histories, translated from the French by two Jesuit priests, appeared at the same time--one by Mr Ozell, the other by Mr Bundy--which caused the following advertisement to be inserted by the publishers of Ozell’s work:-- ^This Day is Publish’d^ _What will satisfy such as have bought Mr Ozell’s Translation of the_ ROMAN HISTORY, _and also undeceive such of Mr Bundy’s Friends as are more Friends to Truth:_ _Number I._ of the HERCULEAN LABOUR: or the AUGÆAN STABLE cleansed of its heaps of historical, philological, and Geographical Trumpery. Being Serious and facetious Remarks by Mr Ozell, on some thousands of capital and comical Mistakes, Oversights, Negligences, Ignorances, Omissions, Misconstructions, Mis-nomers and other Defects, in the folio Translation of the ROMAN HISTORY by the Rev. Mr BUNDY. A witty Foreigner upon reading an untrue Translation of Cæsar’s Commentaries, said: “It was a wicked Translation, for the Translator had not rendered unto Cæsar the things which were Cæsar’s.” With equal truth tho’ less wit, may it be said the Translator of the ROMAN HISTORY has not paid the Rev. authors the TYTHE of their DUES; which in one of the same cloth is the more unpardonable. The Money is to be returned by Mr Ozell, to any Gentleman, who, after reading it shall come (or send a letter to him in Arundel Street, in the Strand) and declare upon Honour, he does not think the Book worth the Money. In the _Bristol Gazette_ for Thursday, August 28, 1788, among advertisements of the ordinary kind, some of which are noticeable as emanating from Robert and Thomas Southey, we find the following:-- _Swansea_ and _Bristol_ DILIGENCE, To carry THREE INSIDES. WILL set out from the Mackworth-Arms, _Swansea_, on Wednesday the 18th of June, and continue every Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday morning at four o’clock; and will arrive early the same evening at the New Passage, where a good boat will be waiting to take the Passengers over, and a Coach ready at eight o’clock the next morning to carry them to _Bristol_. Also a LIGHT COACH will set out every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday afternoon at five o’clock, from the WHITE LION, to meet the above Diligence. Fare from Bristol to Swansea 1l. 10s., passage included. Short passengers the same as the Mail Coach. N.B.--Parcels carried on moderate terms, and expeditiously delivered; but no parcels will be accounted for above 5l. value, unless entered as such and paid for accordingly. Performed by J. LAKE, Mackworth-Arms, Swansea. C. NOTT, Ship and Castle, Neath. C. BRADLEY, Bear, Cowbridge. J. BRADLEY, Angel, Cardiff. M. HOGGARD, New Passage. R. CHURCH, New Passage. W. CARR, White Lion, Bristol. N.B. A COACH every Monday, Thursday, and Saturday morning, at seven o’clock, from the White Lion to the New Passage. It is to be presumed that the line about short passengers refers to those who travel short journeys only, though a friend of ours, himself a Welshman, makes several jocular allusions to the conditions that used in the days of travelling by road in and about the Principality to be imposed on people of less than the average height. As these will be some day published in a volume, the title of which is already decided upon--“Cheese and Chuckles; or, Leeks and Laughter”--and which is intended for distribution among the bards at the annual Eisteddfod, we will not discount the sensation then to be derived from their publication, more especially as we have tried in vain and failed to understand them. For those who take such interest in the poet Southey that anything connected with his family is regarded with favour, we present the following, from the same number of the _Bristol Gazette_, which was kindly forwarded by a gentleman on hearing that this work was in progress:-- DISSOLUTION OF PARTNERSHIP. THE PARTNERSHIP between ROBERT and THOMAS SOUTHEY, _Linen-drapers_, &c., of this city, was by mutual consent dissolved on the 21st of July last; all persons to whom the said partnership stood indebted, are to send their accounts to ROBERT SOUTHEY, Wine-street, and the persons indebted to them, are respectfully requested to pay the same to the said ROBERT SOUTHEY, who continues the trade as usual. ROBERT SOUTHEY. THOMAS SOUTHEY. BRISTOL, August 8th, 1788. [Illustration] R. SOUTHEY, thanks his friends in particular and the public in general, for the kind support he has hitherto experienced, and begs leave to inform them, that he is just returned from London with a large assortment of goods; particularly fine printed CALLICOES, MUSLINS, and LACE, which he is determined to sell on as low terms as any person in the trade, and solicits the early inspection of his friends. N.B.--Part of the old Stock to be sold very cheap. There is also an advertisement in the paper from Thomas Southey, who has taken up quarters in Close Street, soliciting custom and describing his wares. Our correspondent, who is a gentleman of position at Neath, and whose veracity is undoubted, says: “My father was a correspondent of Southey’s, and in one of his letters Southey says he was very nearly settling in our Vale of Neath, in a country house, the owner of which was a strong Tory, but as Southey at that early period of his life was a great Radical, he was not allowed to rent the property! If this had not been so, he says, ‘my children would have been _Cam_brian instead of _Cum_brian.’” Among other old customs now fast falling into desuetude, there is in Cumberland and some other parts of the north of England a practice known as the Bridewain, which consists of the public celebration of weddings. A short time after courtship is commenced--as soon as the date of the marriage is fixed--the lovers give notice of their intentions, and on the day named all their friends for miles around assemble at the intending bridegroom’s house, and join in various pastimes. A plate or bowl is generally fixed in a convenient place, where each of the company contributes in proportion to his inclination and ability, and according to the degree of respect the couple are held in. By this custom a worthy pair have frequently been benefited with a sum of from fifty to a hundred pounds. The following advertisement for such a meeting is copied from the _Cumberland Pacquet_, 1786:-- INVITATION. Suspend for one day your cares and your labours, And come to this wedding, kind friends and good neighbours. NOTICE is hereby given that the marriage of ISAAC PEARSON with FRANCES ATKINSON will be solemnized in due form in the parish church of Lamplugh, in Cumberland, on Tuesday next, the 30th of May inst.; immediately after which the bride and bridegroom with their attendants will proceed to Lonefoot, in the said parish, where the nuptials will be celebrated by a variety of rural entertainments. Then come one and all At Hymen’s soft call From Whitehaven, Workington, Harrington, Dean, Hail, Ponsonby, Blaing and all places between, From Egremont, Cockermouth, Barton, St Bee’s, } Cint, Kinnyside, Calder and parts such as these; } And the country at large may flock in if they please. } Such sports there will be as have seldom been seen, Such wrestling, and fencing and dancing between, And races for prizes, for frolick and fun, } By horses, and asses, and dogs will be run } That you’ll all go home happy--as sure as a gun. } In a word, such a wedding can ne’er fail please; For the sports of Olympus were trifles to these. Nota Bene.--You’ll please to observe that the day Of this grand bridal pomp is the thirtieth of May, When ’tis hop’d that the sun, to enliven the sight, Like the flambeau of Hymen, will deign to burn bright. These invitations were at this period far from rare, and another, calling folk to a similar festival, appeared in the same paper in 1789:-- BRIDEWAIN. There let Hymen oft appear In saffron robe and taper clear, And pomp and feast and revelry, With mask and antic pageantry; Such sights as youthful poets dream, On summer eves by haunted stream. GEORGE HAYTON, who married ANNE, the daughter of Joseph and Dinah Colin, of Crosby Mill, purposes having a BRIDEWAIN at his house, at Crosby near Maryport, on Thursday the 7th day of May next, where he will be happy to see his friends and well-wishers, for whose amusement there will be a variety of races, wrestling matches, etc. etc. The prizes will be--a saddle, two bridles, a pair of _gands d’amour_ gloves, which whoever wins is sure to be married within the twelvemonth; a girdle (_ceinture de Venus_) possessing qualities not to be described; and many other articles, sports and pastimes too numerous to mention, but which can never prove tedious in the exhibition. From fashion’s laws and customs free, We follow sweet variety; By turns we laugh and dance and sing; Time’s for ever on the wing; And nymphs and swains of Cumbria’s plain Present the golden age again. A similar advertisement appears in the _Pacquet_ in 1803, and contains some verses of a kind superior to that generally met in these appeals. It is called A PUBLIC BRIDAL. JONATHAN and GRACE MUSGRAVE purpose having a PUBLIC BRIDAL at Low Lorton Bridge End, near Cockermouth, on THURSDAY, the 16th of June, 1803; when they will be glad to see their Friends, and all who may please to favour them with their Company;--for whose Amusement there will be various RACES, for Prizes of different kinds; and amongst others, a Saddle, and Bridle; and a Silver-tipt Hunting Horn, for Hounds to run for.--There will also be Leaping, Wrestling, &c. &c. ☞ Commodious ROOMS are likewise engaged for DANCING PARTIES, in the Evening. Come, haste to the BRIDAL!--to Joys we invite You, Which, help’d by the Season, to please You can’t fail: But should LOVE, MIRTH, and SPRING strive in vain to delight You, You’ve still the _mild_ Comforts of LORTON’S sweet VALE. And where does the GODDESS more charmingly revel? Where ZEPHYR dispense a more health-chearing Gale, Than where the pure _Cocker_, meandring the Level, Adorns the calm Prospects of LORTON’S sweet VALE? To the BRIDAL then come;--taste the Sweets of our Valley; Your Visit, _good Cheer_ and _kind Welcome_ shall hail. Round the _Standard_ of OLD ENGLISH CUSTOM, we’ll rally,-- And be blest in _Love_, _Friendship_, and LORTON’S sweet VALE. A correspondent, writing in Hone’s Table-Book, date August 1827, says it was in the early part of the century “a prevalent custom to have ‘bidden weddings’ when a couple of respectability and of slender means were on the eve of marriage; in this case they gave publicity to their intentions through the medium of the _Cumberland Pacquet_, a paper published at Whitehaven, and which about twenty-nine years ago was the only newspaper printed in the county. The editor, Mr John Ware, used to set off the invitation in a novel and amusing manner, which never failed to insure a large meeting, and frequently the contributions made on the occasion, by the visitors, were of so much importance to the new-married couple that by care and industry they were enabled to make so good ‘a fend as niver to look ahint them.’” That this or a similar custom was practised commonly a generation ago in Wales, where it is even now occasional, a notice issued from Carmarthen shows. It is peculiar, and runs thus:-- CARMARTHEN, April 12, 1836. AS we intend to enter the MATRIMONIAL STATE on THURSDAY, the 5th of MAY next, we are encouraged by our Friends to make a BIDDING on the occasion the same Day, at the Sign of the ANGEL, situate in LAMMAS-STREET; when and where the favour of your good and agreeable Company is most humbly solicited, and whatever donation you may be pleased to confer on us then, will be thankfully received, warmly acknowledged, and cheerfully repaid whenever called for on a similar occasion, By your most obedient humble Servants, DAVID DANIEL (Shoemaker,) RUTH EVANS. THE Young Man, and his Mother, (Mary Daniel,) and his Brother and Sister (Joshua and Anne,) desire that all gifts of the above nature due to them, be returned on the said Day, and will be thankful for all favours granted. Also, the Young Woman, and her Mother (Sarah Evans,) and her Grand-father and Grand-mother (John and Frances Evans,) desire that all Gifts of the above nature due to them, be returned on the above Day, and will be thankful with her Uncle and Aunt (Benjamin and Margaret Evans, Penrhywcoion,) for all additional favours granted. The applications made by means of the notes which follow the advertisement show that the promise made by David and Ruth to repay all amounts when called upon is something more than a mere flourish. We should not like, though, to guarantee that these promises were always kept, and have no doubt that the concocters of the foregoing found, as so many others did before them, and not a few have done since, that kindness is generally obtained from the least expected, and often the least valued, quarter. This is a glorious dispensation of providence, and few people who have experienced misfortune, or have been in want of assistance, but have felt how compensating is the hidden power which guides our destinies. Yet writers who constantly rail about the insincerity of friendship make little or no mention of those truest friends, the friends who appear uninvoked, and do whatever has been asked in vain of others who may have promised freely, or who are in fact indebted to those they ignore in the moment of adversity. Burly old Grose, the friend of Burns, in his “Olio” gives a curious specimen of composition, which he says was the effort of a mayor in one of our University towns, though which is not stated. It tells us that-- WHEREAS, a Multiplicity of Dangers are often incurred by Damage of outrageous Accidents by Fire, we whose Names are undersigned, have thought proper that the Benefit of an Engine, bought by us, for the better Extinguishing of which, by the Accidents of Almighty God, may unto us happen, to make a Rate to gather Benevolence for the better propagating such useful Instruments. Some clever student of style may be able to tell, by a clue invisible to the uninitiated, whether this is Oxford or Cambridge. We are not learned in such matters, and so prefer to admire, without troubling ourselves to identify. Poetical advertisements were not at all uncommon a hundred years ago and less. The demand for space, and the steam-engine rate at which we live now, have, however, destroyed not only the opportunity for them, but their use. Towards the close of the last century there lived in the Canongate, Edinburgh, one Gavin Wilson, a hard-working bootmaker, or, as his sign described him, “Arm, Leg and Boot maker, _but not_ to his Royal Highness the Prince of Wales.” He was a singular fellow, and was the inventor of an art for hardening and polishing leather, so as to be workable into powder-flasks, snuff-boxes, drinking-mugs, ink-cases, and other articles of a similar kind. His genius did not stop at this rough work, but enabled him to form a German flute and a violin, both of leather, which, for neatness of workmanship and melodiousness of tone, were, friendly critics said, not a bit inferior to any fiddle or flute formed of wood. His greatest triumphs, however, were artificial arms and legs, also made of leather, which not only completely remedied loss of limb, but also closely resembled their human prototypes, being covered with skin, nails, &c. The unexampled success of his endeavours in this way was curiously illustrated by a person who, having lost both his hands by a cannon-shot, was provided with a new and useful pair by Gavin Wilson. This man expressed his gratitude in a letter of thanks, written with the artificial hands, which appeared in the _Caledonian Mercury_ for 1779, along with an advertisement of the ingenious mechanic. Wilson had also pretensions to wit, and was occasionally a votary of what Foote once described as the Tuneful Ten. “Nine and one are ten,” said Foote one day to an accountant, who was anxious the wit should hear his poetry, and who commenced, “Hear me, O Phœbus and ye Tuneful Nine!” Having got so far, he accused Foote of inattention; but the latter said, “Nine and one are ten--go on,” which was too near the shop to be pleasant. The following advertisement may serve as a specimen of Wilson’s poetical attempts:-- G. Wilson humbly as before Resumes his thankfulness once more For favours formerly enjoy’d In, by the public, being employ’d. And hopes this public intimation Will meet with candid acceptation. The world knows well he makes _boots_ neatly And, as times go, he sells them cheaply. ’Tis also known to many a hundred Who at his late invention wonder’d, That polish’d _leather boxes_, _cases_, So well known now in many places, With _powder-flasks_ and _porter-mugs_, And jointed _leather arms_ and _legs_. Design’d for use as well as show, _Exempli gratia_ read below,[34] Were his invention; and no claim Is just by any other name. With numbers of production more, In leather ne’er performed before. In these dead times being almost idle, He tried and made a _leather fiddle_. Of workmanship extremely neat, Of tone quite true, both soft and sweet. And finding leather not a mute He made a _leather German flute_, Which play’d as well and was as good As any ever made of wood. He for an idle hour’s amusement Wrote this exotic advertisement, Informing you he does reside In head of Canongate, south side, Up the first wooden-railed stair, You’re sure to find his Whimship there. In Britain none can fit you better Than can your servant the _Bootmaker_. GAVIN WILSON. Notwithstanding that their day is past, occasional poetical advertisements are to be found in the papers now. They are, as a rule, infinitely bad, and the following is so very different from the general run of them, that we cannot help quoting it. Perhaps it was written after taking a dose of “Lamplough,” which is said on authority to have so many beneficial effects, that power over writers of verse in general, and the writer of the following in particular, may easily be included among them. So all minor poets had better study this, which we extract from a “weekly” a year or so ago:-- A DRINKING SONG. IF ever your spirits are damp, low, And bilious; you should, I opine, Just quaff a deep bumper of Lamplough-- Of Lamplough’s Pyretic Saline. The title is quaint and eccentric-- Is probably so by design-- But they say for disturbances ventric There’s nought like Pyretic Saline. Don’t bid me become exegetic, Or tell me I’m only a scamp low, If I can tell you more of Pyretic Saline manufactured by Lamplough. A second good specimen was published in a theatrical paper at the time when Mr J. S. Clarke, an American comedian, whose strength is in his advertisements, and who is well known this side the Atlantic, was playing in “The Rivals.” It is entitled SAVED. IT was a chill November eve and on the busy town A heavy cloud of yellow fog was sinking slowly down; Upon the bridge of Waterloo, a prey to mad despair, There stood a man with heavy brow and deep-lined face of care. One ling’ring look around he gave, then on the river cast That sullen stare of rash resolve he meant should be his last. Far down the old cathedral rose, a shadow grey and dim, The light of day would dawn on that but ne’er again on him. One plunge within the murky stream would end the bitter strife. “What rest’s there now,” he sobbed aloud, “to bid me cling to life?” Just then the sound of stamping feet smote on his list’ning ear, A sandwich-man upon his beat paused ’neath the lamplight clear. One hurried glance--he read the board that hung upon his back, He leapt down from the parapet, and smote his thigh a smack. “I must see that,” he cried--the words that put his woe to flight Were “John S. Clarke as Acres at the Charing Cross to-night.” Another of these effusions, well worthy of insertion here, appeared quite recently in a humorous paper, and is devoted to the interests of Messrs Cook & Son, the tourist agents. Whether or not it was paid for as an advertisement, they must have found it valuable. Despite the sneers of several small wits whom fortune has enabled to travel in the old expensive mode, there are very many who are neither cads nor snobs, whatever the distinction may be, and whose greatest sin is a paucity of income, that have felt the benefit of the popular excursionists’ endeavours. The verses are called COOK’S PERQUISITES. In longitude six thousand ninety-two, Latitude nothing, the good ship, _Salt Beef_, Caught in a gale, the worst that ever blew, Was stranded on a coral island’s reef. Her back was broken, so she went in halves, The crew and captain perished, every hand; Only a pig, some chickens, and two calves, And the one passenger, escaped to land. King Bungaroo, with all the royal suite, Was waiting to receive him on the beach; And seeing he was plump and nice to eat, Received him graciously with courteous speech. The suite, who thus their coming banquet eyed, Their gastric regions rubbed with grateful paw, And wondered if the king would have him fried, Or boiled, or roasted,--or just eat him raw! The hungry passenger their meaning caught As hinting dinner in some manner dim, And smiling at the notion, little thought That they meant feasting _on_--and not _with_--him! But, as you draw a fowl before ’tis drest, The suite proceeded first, of everything The pockets of their victim to divest, And laid their plunder down before the king. The monarch started at some object there-- Then seized the prisoner’s hand and cried aloud, “Bo, bingo wobli! Chungum raggadare. Howinki croblob? Boo! Owchingadowd!” Which means--“Unhand this kindly gentleman. Observe those coupons! Note that small green book! Put out the fire--hang up the frying-pan! We mustn’t eat him. He belongs to Cook!” But turning back to the early times on which we started in quest of amusing advertisements, we come upon a fictitious letter addressed to Sylvanus Urban in the _Gentleman’s Magazine_ for September 1803, which is signed Maria Elderly, and falls sadly foul of the indecorous announcements then so plentiful. It runs thus: “Good Mr Urban,--You must know, Sir, I am a married woman and a mother (I bless Heaven!) of several not unpromising daughters. We read most of the best English and French authors together as we sit at our work: that is to say one reads aloud whilst the rest draw, sew, or embroider. The hours thus pass more pleasantly; and our amusement I will hope is productive of solid mental profit. It is a proverbial good-natured joke with young gentlemen that curiosity is of the feminine gender. I will not stop to dispute the matter with such acute grammarians; but will rather honestly admit that (although I think otherwise) perhaps ‘much may be said on both sides.’ Nay, I will own, Sir, that what with the natural timidity of my sex, and the fear of Bonaparte’s invasion, I do feel a little hankering or so, to learn how the world of politics is conducted. I therefore have lately taken in a certain fashionable morning newspaper, and was much amused at first with its contents. But, my dear Mr Urban, I fancy I must give up this paper; and as I find you are a married gentleman, I will at once tell you why: I have often been vexed, Sir, at the sight of certain indecorous advertisements. Proof is better than accusation at all times. I will therefore just allude to a few, which, however, I assure you, are not the worst. I know you cannot expect _me_ to transcribe them. The first instance I shall notice, is in the paper of April 21, 1803, where ‘a lady near 30, wishes to be companion to a single gentleman;’ and as a proof of the impropriety of this advertisement, Mr O. of Dover Street (to whom the _lady_ referred) thought it necessary pointedly to deny all knowledge of her in another advertisement of April 28. In the paper of May 5, I read that ‘a widow-lady _pleasing in her person_, &c., solicits the loan of £40 from a gentleman.’ The lady refers to a house in Dean Street, Soho. In that of May 26 ‘a young female intreats the loan of £130 from a nobleman or gentleman of fortune.’ She refers to Curriers’ Row, Black friars. In that of June 1, a young lady (who refers to the post-office, Blandford Street, Portman Square) inserts a most unqualified proposal indeed. In that of June 16, the proposal is repeated in still more impertinent terms. The lady now refers to Eyre Street, Hatton Garden. In that of June 18, appear two advertisements from females, _of a very curious nature_, addressed to two young men. Both are assignations; and they are expressed too in very intelligible terms, I do assure you. I believe you will agree with me that such advertisements can do no good and may do much harm. I could enlarge my list very greatly, by pointing your eyes to paragraphs of a later date; but the subject is a very unpleasant one, and I at present forbear. ‘My poverty, but not my will consents’ may do in a play; but it is a sad excuse for the editor of a daily publication: and it is _criminal_, Sir, when we consider how many young minds may thus be empoisoned.” We trust this letter will be taken as evidence that we have in the preceding chapter by no means selected the worst specimens of the style which pervaded advertisements at the close of the last century and beginning of the present. The believers in vested interests may see by an advertisement of the year 1804, that proprietorial rights were respected in those days even among beggars:-- TO be disposed of for the benefit of the poor widow a Blind Man’s WALK in a charitable neighbourhood, the comings-in between twenty-five and twenty-six shillings a week, with a dog well drilled, and a staff in good repair. A handsome premium will be expected. For further particulars, inquire at No. 40, Chiswell Street. The halcyon days of cadgers and crossing-sweepers are over, and we no longer hear of members of either profession leaving fortunes. It has often been source of wonder to us how a right was maintained in any particular crossing or walk. It is presumable, of course, that no action would lie in the event of one man taking another’s favourite corner; yet, if story-tellers are to be depended upon, the “good-wills” of these places in days gone by were worth not hundreds alone, but thousands of pounds. The new police and the mendicity societies have considerably disturbed such sinecures, and even those affectionate parents that of late years lived on the earnings of their young, who pretended to sell cigar-lights and newspapers, but who in reality begged freely, have been driven to earn their own meals by the officers of the various school-boards. So passes away the glory of free trade from this over-legislated and effete old country, where no one is allowed to do as he likes if it at all interferes with the comfort of his neighbours--except, of course, when he is rich and the neighbour is poor. Passing on to 1811, we come upon a quaint request for a servant in the _Morning Post_ of December 4:-- A COOK-HOUSEMAID, or HOUSEMAID-COOK is wanted, for the service of a single gentleman, where only one other, a manservant is kept. The age of the woman wanted must not be less than 25, nor more than 40 years; and it is requisite that she should be equally excellent in the two capacities of Cook and Housemaid. Her character must be unexceptionable for sobriety, honesty and cleanliness. The sobriety, however, which consists in drinking deep without staggering will not do; nor will the honesty suffice which would make up for the possible absence of pilfering by waste. Neither will the cleanliness answer which is content with bustling only before the employer’s eyes--a sure symptom of a slattern. The servant advertised for, must be thoroughly and truly cleanly, honest and sober. As it is probable that not a drab out of place who reads this advertisement but will be for imposing herself, though, perhaps, incapable of cooking a sprat, and about as nice as a Hottentot, all such are warned not to give themselves useless trouble. On the other hand, a steady, clean woman, really answering the above description, will, by applying as below, hear of a place not easy equalled in comfort; where the wages are good and constantly increasing, and where servants are treated as fellow-creatures, and with a kindness, which, to the discredit of their class, is seldom merited. Personal application to be made, from one to three o’clock, to Mr Danvers, perfumer, No. 16, Craven Street, Strand. Here we have the crotchety old bachelor of the novels to the life. This advertiser was evidently a judge of character, and doubtless one of the kindest-hearted of men, but irascible and touchy, subject to twinges of gout, and possessed of a horror of east winds. A man who would scorn to be affected by the most pitiful story, yet whose hand was always in his pocket, and whose sympathy always meant relief as well. Where are all these good old creatures gone? Are they all dead, and is the race extinct? Frankly we must admit that we never met with any one of them, though we should very much like to, as we could in our own person find plenty of opportunity for the disposition of extra benevolence. It is said that the brothers Cheeryble had an actual existence, and perhaps they had, but if so, they managed to conceal their identity extremely successfully. We remember once meeting two brothers in business, who in appearance and manner were exactly like Nickleby’s benefactors; but two more astute individuals were not to be found in the three kingdoms. And on the strength of this likeness they possessed a great reputation for a benevolence which never had even a symptom of real being. Apropos of those imaginary philanthropists the Cheerybles, we present one of the advertisements which were called forth by their appearance in the story. It is from the _Times_, and was published February 7, 1844:-- TO THE BROTHERS CHEERYBLE, or any who have hearts like theirs. A clergyman, who will gladly communicate his name and address, desires to introduce the case of a gentleman, equal at least to Nickleby in birth, worthy, like him, for refinement of character, even of the best descent; like him, of spotless integrity, and powerfully beloved by friends who cannot help him, but no longer, like Nickleby, sustained by the warm buoyancy of youthful blood. The widowed father of young children, he has spent his all in the struggles of an unsuccessful but honourable business, and has now for eighteen months been vainly seeking some stipendiary employment.--To all who have ever known him he can refer for commendation. Being well versed in accounts, though possessed of education, talents, and experience, which would render him invaluable as a private secretary, he would accept with gratitude even a clerk’s stool and daily bread. Any communication addressed to the Rev. B. C., Post-office, Cambridge, will procure full particulars, ample references, and the introduction of the party, who is now in town, and ignorant of this attempt to serve him. Dickens, knowing his power at that time, must have laughed in his sleeve at the trick he was playing the professional swindler when he portrayed the brothers; though, if we are to believe what we are told in the preface to a subsequent edition of his book, the noble army of begging-letter writers and suchlike impostors had ample revenge, for he was pestered nearly to death with importunities to reveal the real name and address of purely mythical characters. Inventors of appeals to the benevolent, either by way of letter or advertisement, are a hard-working race, and must find the task of enlisting sympathy much more difficult than it was when Mr Puff tided over a time of misfortune by aid of the charitable and credulous. It is possible even now, despite the efforts of societies and detectives who give themselves entirely to the work of unmasking counterfeits, to find one or two of those heart-stirring appeals to the benevolent which have maintained many an impostor in idleness for years together. Like Puff did in his time, though evidently less and less successfully, these advertisers support themselves upon their inventions by means of the proceeds of addresses “to the charitable and humane,” or “to those whom providence has blessed with affluence.” The account which Puff gives of his fictitious misfortunes so little exaggerates the advertisements which appear occasionally in the _Times_, that it is well to the point, and worthy of quoting. “I suppose,” he says, “never man went through such a series of calamities in the same space of time. I was five times made a bankrupt, and reduced from a state of affluence by a train of unavoidable misfortunes. Then, though a very industrious tradesman, I was twice burnt out, and lost my little all both times. I lived upon those fires a month. I soon after was confined by a most excruciating disorder, and lost the use of my limbs. That told very well; for I had the case strongly attested, and went about to collect the subscriptions myself! Afterwards, I was a close prisoner in the Marshalsea for a debt benevolently contracted to serve a friend. I was then reduced to--oh no!--then I became a widow with six helpless children. Well, at last, what with bankruptcies, fires, gouts, dropsies, imprisonments, and other valuable calamities, having got together a pretty handsome sum, I determined to quit a business which had always gone rather against my conscience.” But leaving “The Critic,” and the ideas which the specimens just given have promoted, we will fall back upon an advertisement of a truly humorous nature, which is given to the world as long back as 1816. What householder who has improved his dwelling for the benefit of a grasping proprietor will not sympathise with the writer of this?-- WANTED IMMEDIATELY, to enable me to leave the house which I have for these last five years inhabited, in the same plight and condition in which I found it, 500 LIVE RATS, for which I will gladly pay the sum of £5 sterling; and as I cannot leave the farm attached thereto in the same order in which I got it, without at least Five Millions of Docks, Dockens (weeds), I do hereby promise a further sum of £5 for said number of Dockens. Apply ----. Dated, 31 October, 1816. N.B. The Rats must be full grown, and no cripples. In close companionship with the above we find another, which for peculiarity is quite as noticeable. The advertiser has evidently studied humanity without receiving much benefit from his researches, unless the knowledge that he is vastly superior to every one else is a benefit. If the advertisement were not a swindle, of which it seems very suggestive, it is not unreasonable to suppose that failure attended upon it, for no man who believed to such an extent in himself could ever be brought to have faith in another:-- IT is the general desire of princes and opulent men to live friendless--they gain obsequiousness, adulation, and dependents, but not friends: the sycophants that surround them disappear when the lure that attracted them is lost: beguiled by blandishments, deceived by hypocrisy, and lulled by professions they do not discover imposture till adversity detects it. The evil is unbounded--they never obtain a sincere opinion, whether regarding pecuniary embarrassment or domestic dissension--in any perplexed or unhappy event they receive no counsel but that which benefits the sinister views of him who gives it. Of what advantage is fortune if it transforms friends into parasites, and we are to live in constant delusion; or isolated and secluded, we must exist like hermits to shun intercourse with our fellow-beings, and escape perfidy? One whose affluence precludes speculation, who has proved himself undaunted in danger and unshaken in fidelity, proffers his friendship to him who deserves it, and will know how to appreciate it;--his reading has not afforded mere abstract knowledge, but has been rendered auxiliary for a vast intercourse with the world; years have furnished experience, reflection has improved it. His advice and aid he hopes is not insignificant, be the station of him who requires them ever so elevated. As there can be no independence where there is not equality of circumstances, no one of inferior condition can be noticed. Still about the same period we come upon the advertisement of an Irish schoolmaster, which for inflation, pomposity, and ignorance is perhaps unrivalled. It is only fair, while quoting this, to say that Mr Hendrick is not by any means a good specimen of the Irish teacher, who is, as a rule, modest, conscientious, and chokeful of learning. This extract forcibly reminds us of one of Samuel Lover’s characters:-- MR HENDRICK’S DEVOIR TO THE GENTRY OF LIMERICK. WOULD be elated to assign his attention for the instruction of eight or ten Pupils, to attend on their houses each second day, to teach the French language, Geography on the Principles of Astronomy, traversing the Globe by sea and land on the rudiments of a right angle, with a variety of pleasing Problems, attached to Manners, Customs, &c. of different Countries, Trade and Commerce; Phenomenons on Volcanos, Thunder, Sound, Lightning, &c. Such as please to continue, may advance through a Course of Natural Philosophy, and those proficient in French can be taught the above in that Language. N.B. At intervals would instruct in the Italian Language. Please to inquire at Mr Barry, Newtown-Perry. J. HENDRICK, _Philomathos_. In a Jersey newspaper for December 1821 there is a very funny advertisement for a lost dog--so funny indeed is it that it seems more than likely to have been a hoax, or a hit at the peculiarly broken English identified with the Channel Islands. Still it appears as an advertisement, and so we append it:-- LOSE.--Dere ave bin von doge, dat vil replay to de appel of “Outre;” he is betwin de couleur of de vite and de bruin, dere is belif he was delay by some personne on propos, as he was vont by de oner on Monday next for to come to de chasse, as he kno vere was de hairs. Applie of de oner at de Printure. As a companion, here is the following from the _Handelsblad_ of Amsterdam. It is much more natural than the Jersey effusion, and is evidently an attempt to write the language known on the Continent and abroad generally as American. It will be recollected that one of the last requests of the Emperor Nicholas during the Crimean war was that, in gratitude for the efforts at assistance made by the good people of the United States, the cadets in the military schools should be taught the American language. This must be near to his idea of it:-- MEDAILLE of SILVER at New-York. MEDAILLE of GOLD at Paris, London and Berlin. The very celebrated AMERICAN-BALSAM, notwithstanding the great competition, preserve the preference; wherefore, did is your question because every body is content with his expectation and recommend this balsam indeed. The under signed have by experience of himself following the working of this balsam and may be rejoicing to offer an his honorables fellow-citizens and compatriots a very excellent remedy to prevent the sally of hair, to dissiporte the erysipelas; and than the greatest desire of man consist to recover the hair upon their bald-spates, it is reading every day in the newspapers, but none annonce, as the under signed has the right to do it with contract _NO HAIR NO MONNEY_. The prevent imitation none than THEOPHILE is sole agent for the Netherlands, St. Nicholasstreet at Amsterdam. Ladys! Perriwigs! curls, tress shall be dying very beautiful is every colours, of light haired to black. Bony inspection of a long wigt tress, with teen differents coleurs. On December 23, 1823, the following droll advertisement appeared in the _Morning Herald_. It was probably a satire on the manners and customs of quasi-fashionables of the day, though why any one should be so anxious to mark his disapprobation of the state of affairs as to pay for the publication of his satires we really are not prepared to say:-- WANTED, for the ensuing London Campaign, a CHAPERON, who will undertake the charge of two young ladies, now making their entrée into fashionable life; she must possess a constitution impervious to fatigue and heat, and be perfectly independent of sleep; _au fait_ at the mysteries of Whist and Cassino, and always ready to undertake a round game, with a supper appetite of the most moderate description: any personal charms, which might interfere by her acting as a foil to her charges, will be deemed inadmissible; and she must be totally divested of matrimonial pretensions on her own account, having sufficient experience in the _beau monde_ to decide with promptitude on the eligibility of invitations with an instinctive discrimination of Almack men, and eldest sons. Address to Louisa, Twopenny Post Office, Great Mary-le-bone-street. N.B. No Widow from Bath or Cheltenham will be treated with. In the _Times_, at the close of the year 1826, an advertisement appeared, which ran as follows:-- TO SCHOOL ASSISTANTS.--Wanted, a respectable GENTLEMAN of good character, capable of TEACHING the CLASSICS as far as Homer and Virgil. Apply ---- There is nothing noticeable in this, the reader will think, nor is there; but the sequel, which is told in a number of the now leading journal a few days afterwards, will perhaps repay perusal. A day or two after the advertisement had appeared, the gentleman to whom application was to be made received a letter as follows: “Sir--With reference to an advertisement which were inserted in the _Times_ newspaper a few days since, respecting a school assistant, I beg to state that I should be happy to fill that situation; but as most of my frends reside in London, and not knowing how far Homer and Virgil is from town, I beg to state that I should not like to engage to teach the classics farther than Hammersmith or Turnham Green, or at the very utmost distance farther than Brentford.--Wating your reply, I am, Sir, &c. &c., John Sparks.” The errors in orthography and syntax have been copied as in the letter, but we fancy the matter looks suspiciously like a hoax. The editor, however, thinks otherwise, and after appending a few remarks, says, “This puts us in mind of a person who once advertised for a ‘_strong coal heaver_,’ and a poor man calling upon him the day after, saying, ‘he had not got such a thing as a _strong coal heaver_, but he had brought a _strong coal scuttle_, made of the best iron; and if that would answer the purpose, he should have it a bargain.’” About this time the following request for a minister was published in the _Monthly Mirror_, and doubtless applications were numerous for the engagement:-- WANTED, for a newly erected Chapel, near Grosvenor Square, a gentleman of elegant manners, and insinuating address, to conduct the theological department to a refined audience. It is not necessary that he believe in the Thirty-nine Articles; but it is expected that he should possess a white hand and a diamond ring; he will be expected to leave out vulgar ideas, and denunciations against polite vices which he may meet with in the Bible; and, upon no account, be guilty of wounding the ears of his auditory with the words h----ll, or d----n. One who lisps, is near-sighted, and who has a due regard for amiable weaknesses, will be preferred. N.B.--If he is of pleasing and _accommodating_ manners, he will have a chance of being introduced to the first company, and three card parties every Sunday evening. One who knows a few college jokes, or who has been Chaplain to the Whip Club, will be preferred. He will have no occasion to administer Baptism, &c. &c. there being an old gentleman employed, who, on account of extreme distress, has agreed, for ten pounds per annum, to preach in the afternoon, and do all the under work. Letters must be addressed to James Speculate, Esq., Surveyor’s Office, New Square, Mary-le-Bone. Apropos of the foregoing, “The Goodfellow’s Calendar,” a handbook of humorous anecdote and criticism for nearly every day in the year--some stray leaves of which have found their way into our possession--gives some account of a parson who, it says, would have been eminently fitted for the situation. “The Rev. R. C. Maturin, Curate of St. Peter’s, Dublin, and author of one of the most immoral and trumpery tragedies, ‘Bertram,’ that ever disgraced the stage, or gratified the low taste of an acting manager, died October 30th 1824. This exemplary pillar of the Established Church was exceedingly vain, both of his person and accomplishments, and as his income would not allow him to attract attention by the splendour of his dress and manners, he seldom failed to do so by their singularity. Mr Maturin was tall, slender, but well proportioned, and on the whole a good figure, which he took care to display in a well-made black coat tightly buttoned, and some odd light-coloured stocking-web pantaloons, surmounted, in winter, by a coat of prodigious dimensions, gracefully thrown on, so as not to obscure the symmetry it affected to protect. The Curate of St. Peters sang and danced, and prided himself on performing the movements and evolutions of the quadrille, certainly equal to any other divine of the Established Church, if not to any private lay gentleman of the three kingdoms. It often happened, too, that Mr. Maturin, either laboured under an attack of gout or met with some accident, which compelled the use of a slipper or bandage on one foot or one leg; and by an unaccountable congruity of mischances he was uniformly compelled on these occasions to appear in the public thoroughfares of Dublin, where the melancholy spectacle of a beautiful limb in pain never failed to excite the sighs and sympathies of all the interesting persons who passed, as well as to prompt their curiosity to make audible remarks or inquiries respecting the possessor.” We are much afraid that the vanity of Mr Maturin was not wonderfully peculiar, and with due allowance for those differences in our styles of dress and living which have been made in fifty years, it would not be difficult to find ministers of the gospel who would prove strong rivals to the curate of St Peter’s. In 1825 the _New Times_ presented the public with the original of that singular advertisement which has been so often quoted as an Irish bull, but which would appear to be home-bred: “Wanted by a Surgeon residing at Guildford, two apprentices, who will be treated as one of the family.” The Hibernian companion to this would most fitly be the Dublin editor’s statement, in reference to a newly-invented laundry machine, that by its use every man would probably become his own washerwoman. From washerwomen to general servants is but a step, and so from the _Times_ of five-and-twenty years back we extract a model specimen, supposed to emanate from that rarest of _raræ aves_, a pattern domestic:-- DO YOU WANT A SERVANT? Necessity prompts the question. The advertiser OFFERS his SERVICES to any lady or gentleman, company, or others, in want of a truly faithful, confidential servant in any capacity not menial, where a practical knowledge of human nature in various parts of the world would be available. Could undertake any affair of small or great importance, where talent, inviolable secrecy, or good address would be necessary. Has moved in the best and worst societies without being contaminated by either; has never been a servant, begs to recommend himself as one who knows his place; is moral, temperate, middle-aged; no objection to any part of the world. Could advise any capitalist wishing to increase his income and have the control of his own money. Could act as secretary or valet to any lady or gentleman. Can give advice or hold his tongue, sing, dance, play, fence, box, preach a sermon, tell a story, be grave or gay, ridiculous or sublime, or do anything from the curling of a peruke to the storming of a citadel--but never to excel his master. Address ----. Differing considerably, and yet much in the same line, is the following, which is amusing from the amount of confidence the writer possesses in his own powers, and the small value he sets upon the attainments of those who possess that most valuable qualification of all--property. The offer never to be better than his patron is a condescension indeed from such a paragon:-- TO INDEPENDENT GENTLEMEN.--Wanted by a respectable, modest young man, who can produce a cubic yard of testimonials, a living without a master--that is, he wishes to become a companion to some gentleman, and be his factotum. He can ride, shoot, sing, fish (but never better than his patron without he is wanted), keep accounts, see that servants do their duty, do twenty other things, equally necessary in this life, and make it his whole duty to please and be pleased. Any one seriously wishing such a person, may address, post paid to Z., to be left at ----. Advertisements from the other side--from employers--are also noticeable now and again, as this will show:-- BOARD AND RESIDENCE FOR WORK.--An old literary gentleman invites two widow ladies, about forty, to assist him in doing without servants, except a charwoman once a week. One lady must undertake entrées, soups, and jellies. Both must be strong and healthy, so that the work may be rather pleasant than irksome; two-thirds of it being for their own comfort, as no company is ever kept. A private sitting-room. Laundry free. All dining together at seven o’clock. References of mercantile exactness required.--Address A. B., ---- stating age and full particulars of antecedent position, &c. This old literary gentleman was wise in his generation, as his offer, though very plausible, meant nothing less than obtaining two servants without wages, and society as well. Possibly, however, the fact of the ladies being widows was supposed, upon the principle of Tony Weller, to compensate for shortcomings in the way of salary. Other applications for a superior class of servants deserve attention, the following modest offer for a governess being a case in point:-- WANTED, in a gentleman’s family, a young lady, as NURSERY GOVERNESS, to instruct two young ladies in French, music, and singing, with the usual branches of education, and to take the entire charge of their wardrobe. She must be of a social disposition and fond of children, and have the manners of a gentlewoman, as she will be treated as one of the family. Salary twelve guineas per annum. Address ----. All for the small price of twelve guineas per annum, about half what a decent housemaid expects, and with less than half the liberty of a scullion. Yet this advertisement appeared in the _Times_, and is but the representative of others of the same kind, not one of which is supposed to betray meanness or poverty of spirit on the part of its originator. For twelve guineas a year, the poverty-stricken orphan or daughter of some once rich speculator is to teach French, music, singing, writing, arithmetic, geography, history, and other of the “usual branches of education,” to two young ladies, who it is only fair to expect would be much more like the brassfounder’s daughter who objected to Ruth Pinch than similar to the charge of Becky Sharp when she occupied a governess’s position. In addition to the drudgery of teaching, there is the charge of the young ladies’ wardrobe, which means an occupation of itself; and then comes--oh, worst of all!--the social disposition, by which is undoubtedly meant a capacity for doing whatever any other member of the family may object to do--for being the drudge of the drawing-room when the little tyrants of the nursery are abed and asleep. By the manners of a gentlewoman is understood a capacity for receiving studied insult without resentment, and by treatment as one of the family such care and comfort as would cause the cook to take her instant departure. And all this for twelve guineas per annum! This may be called an overdrawn picture, but that is what is said of most self-evident facts. And what father worthy of the name would die easily if he thought that his tenderly-nurtured daughters were likely to be grateful for the protection and the salary offered in the foregoing specimen advertisement? Yet many a young girl has suddenly found herself divested of every luxury, and subject to the tender mercies of those who regard a nursery governess as “one of the family.” There is an old story in reference to the selection of governesses which is worth repeating here. A lady wrote to her son requesting him to find a teacher for his sisters, and enumerating a long list of qualifications, somewhat similar to those generally expected in a pretentious family. The son seems to have been wiser than his mother, for he replied stating that he had studied the requirements, and that when he found a young lady possessed of them all, he should endeavour to engage her, not as a governess for his sisters, but as a wife for himself. Marriage alters women, however, as the subjoined notice from an Irish paper proves to the most sceptical:-- RUN AWAY FROM PATRICK M‘DALLAGH.--Whereas my wife Mrs Bridget M‘Dallagh, is again walked away with herself, and left me with her four small children, and her poor old blind mother, and nobody else to look after house and home, and, I hear, has taken up with Tim Guigan, the lame fiddler--the same that was put in the stocks last Easter for stealing Barday Doody’s gamecock.--This is to give notice, that I will not pay for bite or sup on her or his account to man or mortal, and that she had better never show the mark of her ten toes near my home again. PATRICK M‘DALLAGH. N.B. Tim had better keep out of my sight. Mrs Bridget seems to have been in the habit of straying from the path of virtue and her husband’s home, which, if we are to believe Irish poets and orators, must have been very exceptional behaviour in the land of “virtue and Erin.” As if to provide against similar emergency, a Parisian puts forth an advertisement, the translation of which runs thus:-- A gentleman in his twenty-sixth year, tired of the dissipation of the great world, is forming a comfortable establishment in one of the least frequented quarters of the city. His domestics are a coachman, cook, three footmen and a chambermaid. He is in search of a young girl of good family to improve this honourable situation: she must be well educated, accomplished, and of an agreeable figure, and will be entertained in the quality of _demoiselle de compagnie_. She shall receive the utmost attention from the household, and be as well served in every respect as, or even better than, if she were its mistress. As just now there is constant change of opinion as to what forms the best pavement for the streets with the greatest traffic, as the stones which seemed to be agreed on for ever are every day becoming more and more disliked, and as the main difference now is which is likely to prove the more profitable change, asphalt or wood, the following, from the _Times_ of 1851, may not be uninteresting:-- WOOD PAVEMENT.--All poor and distressed cabriolet proprietors and others, wheresoever dispersed, are particularly requested to FORWARD to us immediately PROVED ACCOUNTS in writing of all ACCIDENTS to and DEATHS of HORSES, and Personal and other Casualties, in order that the several parishes may respectfully, in the first place be extra-judicially called on to repay all damages (at our offices), within one calendar month of our respective applications, or otherwise have proceedings taken against them respectively in the County Courts, or under superior jurisdictions, and be so judicially and speedily made to pay on account of entering into ex-parte contracts rendering life and limb and travelling generally unsafe and dangerous in the extreme, and so continuing the bad state of the wood pavement; for no contracts can be lawful and right unless impliedly perused and approved of on behalf of the public generally. Cole and Scott, Solicitors, 12 Furnival’s Inn and Notting Hill. If the “London stones” become things of the past, they and their advocates will be revenged by the undoubted fact that whatever follows them will, after the novelty has worn off, be just as much abused as its predecessor, and most likely changed much more speedily. Deserving of attention, too, though on a totally different matter, is the following. It seems hard to believe that a London tradesman could believe he was likely to get his note back by informing a man what he must have already known; but such is the case. This must be what is known as “throwing good money after bad:”-- CORAL NECKLACE.--The gentleman who purchased a coral necklace in Bishopsgate-street, on Monday last received in change for a £20 note a FIVE-POUND NOTE too much. He is requested to RETURN it. Vulgar people would say that the buyer of the coral necklace changed his name to Walker after this. But changes of name are not legal unless duly advertised. Speaking of advertising changes of name, a title by which those lodging-house pests, bugs, are now often known, that of Norfolk Howards, is derived from an advertisement in which one Ephraim Bug avowed his intention of being for the future known as Norfolk Howard. We have never seen this announcement, but have noticed many others, the appended being a specimen, though of a much less sensational kind than that we have just referred to:-- NOTICE.--I, the undersigned THOMAS HUGHES FORDE DAVIES, of Abercery, in the county of Cardigan, Esq., do hereby Give Notice, that I shall, on and after the 1st day of October, 1873, ASSUME the names THOMAS HUGHES FORDE HUGHES, instead of the names of Thomas Hughes Forde Davies, by which last-mentioned names I have hitherto been known and described. And I do hereby request and direct all persons whomsoever to address and describe me as Thomas Hughes Forde Hughes, and not otherwise. And I further Give Notice, that I have executed the necessary Deed Poll in that behalf, and cause the same to be enrolled in her Majesty’s High Court of Chancery.--Dated this 29th day of September, 1873. THOMAS HUGHES FORDE DAVIES. There is a good deal in a name in the present day, and there are some names which for obvious reasons do not smell as sweet as roses, and therefore require changing. This observation does not, of course, refer to the change from Davies to Hughes, of which we know absolutely nothing, except that it appeared in the _Standard_ of October 1873. As there seems little to choose between the two names, it is fair to assume that family reasons or property qualifications led to the alteration. In the interest of those good people who sincerely believe in appearances, we select our next example from the columns of the _Times_. Those, also, who are in the habit of asking what good there is in a University education will do well to ponder over these lines:-- ARTICLED ASSISTANT.--If the GENTLEMAN who called at Messrs ---- and ---- 29, Poultry, on Thursday the 20th February in answer to an advertisement in that day’s _Times_ for “An Articled Assistant” will CALL again at the office to which he was referred, and where he stated that he was a Cambridge man &c., no doubt satisfactory arrangements can be made, as appearance is the chief object. Appearance is indeed the chief object of attention at the present day, and its influence goes much farther than people imagine, even at the very time they are subscribing to it. Not alone does it affect the positions of the drapers’ young man, the shop-walker, and the modern _jeune premier_, the latter of whom may be an idiot so long as he is young, tall, slim, and good-looking, but it materially influences a higher class of society. Day after day we see men credited, by means of lying heads and faces, with the qualifications and abilities they do not possess; and, on the other hand, we as frequently find the mildest and most benevolent of gentlemen regarded as desperate characters or hard-fisted old curmudgeons. No one will nowadays believe that a man who does not look very clever or very foolish can do anything in literature or the arts above the common run; and the most frequent exclamation to be heard after a real celebrity has been seen is one of disappointment, so little will he bear comparison with the ideal. Appearances were never more deceptive, and never more believed in, than they are now. Stories of advertising tombstones, some true, some apocryphal, are plentiful, and the best of those in which reliance can be placed is that about the Parisian grocer. It is well known that at the Père la Chaise Cemetery, near Paris, there stands, or stood, in a conspicuous position, a splendid monument to Pierre Cabochard, grocer, with a pathetic inscription, which closes thus:-- His inconsolable widow dedicates this monument to his memory and continues the same business at the old stand, 187, Rue Mouffetard. A gentleman who had noticed the inscription was led by curiosity to call at the address indicated. Having expressed his desire to see the widow Cabochard, he was immediately ushered into the presence of a fashionably-dressed and full-bearded man, who asked him what was the object of his visit. “I come to see the widow Cabochard.” “Well, sir, here she is.” “I beg your pardon, but I wish to see the lady in person.” “Sir, I am the widow Cabochard.” “I don’t exactly understand you. I allude to the relict of the late Pierre Cabochard, whose monument I saw yesterday at the Père la Chaise.” “I see, I see,” was the smiling rejoinder. “Allow me to inform you that Pierre Cabochard is a myth, and therefore never had a wife. The tomb you admired cost me a good deal of money, and, although no one is buried there, it proves a first-rate advertisement, and I have had no cause to regret the expense. Now, sir, what can I sell you in the way of groceries?” The art of mingling mourning and money-making was still better illustrated in the following notice of a death in a Spanish paper:-- This morning our Saviour summoned away the jeweller, Siebald Illmaga, from his shop to another and a better world. The undersigned, his widow, will weep upon his tomb, as will also his two daughters, Hilda and Emma; the former of whom is married, and the latter is open to an offer. The funeral will take place to-morrow.--His disconsolate widow, Veronique Illmaga. P. S. This bereavement will not interrupt our employment which will be carried on as usual, only our place of business will be removed from No. 3, Tessi de Teinturiers to No. 4, Rue de Missionaire, as our grasping landlord has raised our rent. Advertisements which now and again appear in the _Times_ from people who seek employment or money are both curious and eccentric, and in none of them do the writers suffer at all from bashfulness or modest ideas of their own qualifications. In this, which is an appeal for a situation, the constructor describes himself as A CHARACTER.--The noblemen and gentlemen of England are respectfully informed that the advertiser is a self-taught man--a “genius.” He has travelled (chiefly on foot) through the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, in Holland, Germany, Switzerland, Belgium, France, and Italy. He has conducted a popular periodical, written a work of fiction in three vols., published a system of theology, composed a drama, studied Hamlet, been a political lecturer, a preacher, a village schoolmaster, a pawnbroker, a general shopkeeper; has been acquainted with more than one founder of a sect, and is now (he thanks Providence) in good health, spirits, and character, out of debt, and living in charity with all mankind. During the remainder of his life he thinks he would feel quite at home as secretary, amanuensis, or companion to any nobleman or gentleman who will engage a once erratic but now sedate being, whose chief delight consists in seeing and making those around him cheerful and happy. Address A. Z., at Mr. ----’s, ---- Street, Regent’s Park. As a rule, when people break out in this style they are much more in want of the money than the work, although they cloak their actual desires under the guise of applications for situations or employment. There are not a few, however, who come boldly to the point, as the following, also from the _Times_, shows:-- A MAN OF RANK, holding a distinguished public office, moving in the highest society, and with brilliant prospects--has been suddenly called upon to pay some thousands of pounds, owing to the default of a friend for whom he had become guarantee. As his present means are unable to meet this demand, and he can offer no adequate security for a loan, the consequence must be ruin to himself and his family, unless some individual of wealth and munificence will step forward to avert this calamity, by applying £4000 to his rescue. For this he frankly avows that he can, in present circumstances, offer no other return than his gratitude. A personal interview, however painful, will be readily granted, in the confidence that the generosity of his benefactor will be the best guarantee for his delicate observance of secrecy. He hopes his distressing condition will protect him from the prying of heartless curiosity, and to prevent the approaches of money-holders, he begs to repeat that he can give no security. Address to “Anxious,” General Post Office, London. For the benefit of those who are curious about men of rank, and in the interests of those who may like to speculate as to who this holder of a distinguished public office may have been, we will state that the advertisement appeared just thirty years ago. There were then, and have been since, many men in office who wanted four thousand pounds; in fact it would be a hard matter to find a man anywhere to whom that amount--or, for the matter of that, a good bit less--would not be agreeable. That these advertisements were not altogether fruitless, this, from the _Times_ of February 1851, would seem to show:-- TRURO.--The generous friend who transmitted from this place under cover to the Secretary, G.P.O. an ENVELOPE containing a SUM of MONEY is gratefully informed that the individual for whom it was intended was relieved by it to an extent of which he can form no conception, and is earnestly entreated COMMUNICATE, if not his name, at least an address to which a letter may be sent. W. H. Men reduced in circumstances seem to have less and less chance as the world gets older. There would not be much good got out of an advertisement for money nowadays, whatever the original position of advertiser, unless he could promise something in return. His promise might be quite impossible of performance, but still it would be something; and if we are to judge by most of the swindling advertisements which have succeeded in taking in thousands of people, the more improbable the undertaking the more probable the success. Here is another man of high rank, of later date, who only asks for employment. A good pinch of salt must, we think, be taken with the concluding sentence of the application:-- IT WOULD BE A NOBLE ACT OF HUMANITY if any generous and kind-hearted individual would procure or grant EMPLOYMENT to a suffering individual, in whose behalf this appeal is made. He is of high rank, education, and manners, and in every point of view fit to fill any situation. He is without influential friends, and from complicated frauds and misfortunes, is unable to continue the education of eight lovely children. He seeks nothing for himself, except to be so placed, giving to the hands of his kind benefactor all he receives for his children’s present and future support. This will save him from a broken heart. Any situation that will enable him to effect this object will be received with heartfelt gratitude, and filled with honour, assiduity, and fidelity. Most respectable reference, &c. N.B. No pecuniary assistance can be received. Address ----. A man of “high rank, education, and manners,” without influential friends, is certainly an anomaly in this country; and the “eight lovely children” forcibly remind us of the large families which begging-letter impostors and cadgers generally have constantly at home, hungering not so much for education as for bread and meat. The mention of high birth reminds us of the many advertisements which have in the course of years appeared from people who, not satisfied with being rich, seek to be fashionable, and who offer free quarters and other advantages to any one possessed of the _entrée_ to Society, and yet not over-gifted with the more solid blessings of this world. Of course these generally appear in the most fashionable papers, and the specimen which follows is taken from the _Morning Post_ of half-a-dozen years ago. With the exception that it mentions foreign towns, it is almost identical with others which have appeared in reference to our own most exclusive circles:-- SEASONS at SPA and BRUSSELS.--A Lady and Gentleman, well connected, offer to RECEIVE as their GUEST, free of all expense, a lady or a gentleman of family, who, in sole return for the freedom of home, could give the entrée into Belgian society. Spa in the summer, Brussels in the winter. A small establishment. A good cook. The highest references.--Address P. R., Poste Restante, Brussels. Such notices as this go far to prove the truth of the saying that there are blessings beyond price, that is, of course, always supposing the advertisements were unsuccessful. We shall never in future meet any loud vulgar person in Society--provided we are ever admitted within the sacred portal--without suspecting him of having crawled in by means of bribery. Yet our suspicions may alight upon the very leaders of _ton_; for, so far, the most vulgar men we ever met--among gentlemen--were a horse-racing earl and a coach-driving viscount, and they could have been backed against any four men in that army, the peculiarities of which, while in the Low Countries, will be found recorded in “Tristram Shandy.” Among other advertisements in the columns of the leading journal, worthy of notice in this chapter, are those singular effusions which appear at intervals, especially during any period of political effervescence, and which consist of mad schemes, the offspring of enthusiastic patriots and headlong regenerators of the nation. The following is a fair specimen of these:-- TO THE MINISTERS OF STATE, NOBILITY, AND COMMUNITY AT LARGE.--A Remedy for the distresses of England. Every considerate person admits the present condition of society to be perfectly anomalous. A remedy has at length been discovered--a remedy which would effectually arrest the progress of pauperism, confer incalculable benefits upon the industrial community, and diffuse joy and gladness throughout the length and breadth of the land, making England (without exaggeration) the envy of surrounding nations, and the admiration of the world. The plan possesses the peculiar merit of being practicable, and easy of application, without in the slightest degree infringing the rights of property as by law established, or in any way disturbing the present relations of society. The advertiser will communicate his discovery either to the ministers of state, nobility, or those who may take an interest in the wellbeing of society, on condition of his receiving (if his plans are approved, and made available for the purposes contemplated) £100,000. “If the nation be saved, it is not to be saved by the ordinary operations of statesmanship.”--Lord Ashley. Address ----. In this chapter, the mysterious “personal” advertisements which years ago were so frequent and so extraordinary--but which now are rarely noticeable except when devoted to the purposes of puffing tradesmen, or when they are more than ordinarily stupid--must naturally receive attention. Now and again a strange announcement attracts a little curiosity in the present day; but for good specimens of the dark and mysterious advertisement we must go back twenty years, and by so doing we shall be enabled at the same time to give a very good reason why people who correspond through the public papers in cipher or otherwise are careful not to attract particular attention. This reason will exhibit itself by means of two cryptographic specimens selected, which appeared in the _Times_, and were the means of showing that writers of secret signs and passwords must be clever indeed if they would evade the lynx eyes of those who are ever ready for a little mild excitement, and whose hobby it is to solve riddles and discover puzzles. Certainly there must be more pleasure in finding out the meaning of a secret “personal” than in answering the double acrostic charades with which the weekly papers swarm, and which must occupy the attention of thousands, if the quantities of correct and erroneous replies that are received at the various offices may be accepted as evidence. In the early part of 1853 a mad-looking advertisement appeared in the _Times_, which ran thus:-- CENERENTOLA.--N bnxm yt ywd nk dtz hfs wjfi ymnx fsi fr rtxy fscntzx yt mjfw ymf esi bmjs dtz wjyzws, f imtb qtsldtz wjrfns, mjwj It bwnyf f kjb qnsjx jfwqnsl uqjfxj: N mfaj gjjs ajwd kfw kwtr mfund xnshy dtz bjsy fbfd. Which being interpreted, reads: “Cenerentola, I wish to try if you can read this, and am most anxious to hear the end, when you return, and how long you remain here. Do write a few lines, darling, please. I have been very far from happy since you went away.” This appeared in February 2, and some difficulty appears to be in the way, for it is not till the 11th that we find another, which is evidently not in reply, and equally evidently not satisfactory. It says:-- CENERENTOLA.--Zsynq rd mjfwy nx xnhp mfaj ywnji yt kwfrj fs jcugfifynts kwt dtz gzy hfssty. Xnqjshj nx xfs jxy nk ymf ywzj hfzxj nx sty xzx jhyji; nk ny nx fgg xytwnjx bngg gj xnkyji yt ymj gtyytr. It dtz wjrjrgjw tzw htzxns’x knwxy uwtutxnynts: ymnsp tk ny. As this system simply consisted in commencing the alphabet with the letter _f_ and continuing in regular sequence, the explanation of the last specimen is almost obvious; but so that there should be no difficulty or doubt about it, and so that the intriguers should know they were discovered, some literary lockpicker inserted on the 15th, in the usual personal column of the _Times_, a full translation, correcting all errors of the printer, and concluding with a notice in the secret language, which must have frightened its originators. The explanatory advertisement runs thus:-- CENERENTOLA, until my heart is sick have I tried to frame an explanation for you, but cannot. Silence is safest, if the true cause is not suspected: if it is all stories will be sifted to the bottom. Do you remember our cousin’s first proposition? Think of it.--N pstb Dtz. The cryptogram at the end is a warning, for, subjected to the test, we find it is neither more nor less than “I know you.” This seems to have effectually silenced the originals; but the marplots were probably still at work, for on the 19th of February another notification appears, this time in plain English, and running thus:-- CENERENTOLA, what nonsense! Your cousin’s proposition is absurd. I have given an explanation--the true one--which has perfectly satisfied both parties--a thing which silence never could have effected. So no more such absurdity. How miserably small the inventor of this cipher must have felt, and how ridiculous those most interested must have appeared to each other, we leave to the imaginations of those readers who have suddenly been stopped in any grand flight to find themselves as idiotic as they had before considered themselves ingenious. Doubtless the Cenerentolans will not want for sympathisers even amongst those who affect most to ridicule them. Much about the same time as the instance we have given, and while the rage for secret advertising was in its meridian, one of the most remarkable samples of the kind appeared--remarkable as much for its want of reason as for anything else. On February 20, 1852, we are told by the _Quarterly_, there appeared in the _Times_ the following mysterious lines:-- TIG tjohw it tig jfhiirvola og tig psgvw. F. D. N. This was a little above the ordinary hand, and many attempts at deciphering it failed. At last the following explanation was published in the _Quarterly_. If we take the first word of the sentence, Tig, and place under its second letter, i, the one which alphabetically precedes it, and treat the next letters in a similar manner, we shall have the following combination:-- T i g h f e Reading the first letters obliquely, we have the article “The;” if we treat the second word in the same manner, the following will be the result:-- T j o h w i n g v m f u e t s which read in the same slanting way produces the word _Times_. So far our authority is correct, and here we leave him. The following participle and article are of course evident, and then comes the principal word of the sentence, which the transcriber makes to be Jefferies, which it is doubtless intended to be; but in his hurry the inventor or solver has made a mistake, as is shown upon an attempt at the same conclusion:-- J f h i i r v o l a e g h h q u n k z f g g p t m j y f f o s l i x e n r k h w m q j g v p i f u h e t d s r This gives the word as Jeffemphdr, an expression which, if it can be expressed at all, is very dissimilar from that we expected, after being told that the sentence read-- The Times is the Jefferies of the press. We have taken this trouble and used this space in the endeavour to see if the letters would make “Jefferies,” because we have always had a suspicion that the first explainer was also the originator. The advertisement, without being rendered into English, could not have gratified the malice or satisfied the spite of its writer; and as, if any one else had discovered the key and made the attempt, he would have remarked the error, it is but fair to assume that “F. D. N.,” whoever else he may have been, was the individual whom a writer in the _Quarterly Review_, a couple of years or so afterwards, described as the friend who “was curious and intelligent enough to extract the plain English out of it,” and whose design we commenced with. Was he an author who had been slated in the _Times_? However, as the advertiser evidently meant Jeffreys, however he may have fancied to spell it, the explanation may be taken as all right.[35] This and the preceding advertisement must have set people thinking that it was hardly safe to trust to secrets in the papers, no matter how carefully disguised; but the crowning blow to cryptographic communication was given by means of the “Flo” intrigue, which created some little sensation, and was the cause of a good deal of amusement at the close of the year 1853 and the beginning of 1854. On November 29 of the first-named year the following was first seen in the _Times_:-- FLO.--1821 82374 09 30 84541. 844532 18140650. 8 54584 2401 322650 526 08555 94400 021 12 30 84541 22 05114650. 726 85400 021. It may be as well to premise that the idea of the “Flo” system was to make an alphabet with the nine numerals and the cipher, and the correspondents evidently prided themselves, poor innocents, on having arranged the letters arbitrarily and not in regular order, and fixed the tell-tale capital I when standing alone at 8:-- 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 y u o i e a d k h f s t n m r l q g w p x c b v So the communication read: “Flo, thou voice of my heart! Berlin, Thursday. I leave next Monday, and shall press you to my heart on Saturday. God bless you.” How they communicated for the next month does not appear, but judging by the quotation just given, it is to be supposed personally, and that another separation occurred soon after, for on December 21 there is this:-- FLO.--1821 82374 29 30 84541 8 53 02 522450. 8 3300 021 3244 1852