History of Tom Jones, a Foundling by Henry Fielding

Chapter iv.

1537 words | Chapter 226

In which is introduced one of the pleasantest barbers that was ever recorded in history, the barber of Bagdad, or he in Don Quixote, not excepted. The clock had now struck five when Jones awaked from a nap of seven hours, so much refreshed, and in such perfect health and spirits, that he resolved to get up and dress himself; for which purpose he unlocked his portmanteau, and took out clean linen, and a suit of cloaths; but first he slipt on a frock, and went down into the kitchen to bespeak something that might pacify certain tumults he found rising within his stomach. Meeting the landlady, he accosted her with great civility, and asked, “What he could have for dinner?”--“For dinner!” says she; “it is an odd time a day to think about dinner. There is nothing drest in the house, and the fire is almost out.”--“Well, but,” says he, “I must have something to eat, and it is almost indifferent to me what; for, to tell you the truth, I was never more hungry in my life.”--“Then,” says she, “I believe there is a piece of cold buttock and carrot, which will fit you.”--“Nothing better,” answered Jones; “but I should be obliged to you, if you would let it be fried.” To which the landlady consented, and said, smiling, “she was glad to see him so well recovered;” for the sweetness of our heroe's temper was almost irresistible; besides, she was really no ill-humoured woman at the bottom; but she loved money so much, that she hated everything which had the semblance of poverty. Jones now returned in order to dress himself, while his dinner was preparing, and was, according to his orders, attended by the barber. This barber, who went by the name of Little Benjamin, was a fellow of great oddity and humour, which had frequently let him into small inconveniencies, such as slaps in the face, kicks in the breech, broken bones, &c. For every one doth not understand a jest; and those who do are often displeased with being themselves the subjects of it. This vice was, however, incurable in him; and though he had often smarted for it, yet if ever he conceived a joke, he was certain to be delivered of it, without the least respect of persons, time, or place. He had a great many other particularities in his character, which I shall not mention, as the reader will himself very easily perceive them, on his farther acquaintance with this extraordinary person. Jones being impatient to be drest, for a reason which may be easily imagined, thought the shaver was very tedious in preparing his suds, and begged him to make haste; to which the other answered with much gravity, for he never discomposed his muscles on any account, “_Festina lente_, is a proverb which I learned long before I ever touched a razor.”--“I find, friend, you are a scholar,” replied Jones. “A poor one,” said the barber, “_non omnia possumus omnes._”--“Again!” said Jones; “I fancy you are good at capping verses.”--“Excuse me, sir,” said the barber, “_non tanto me dignor honore_.” And then proceeding to his operation, “Sir,” said he, “since I have dealt in suds, I could never discover more than two reasons for shaving; the one is to get a beard, and the other to get rid of one. I conjecture, sir, it may not be long since you shaved from the former of these motives. Upon my word, you have had good success; for one may say of your beard, that it is _tondenti gravior_.”--“I conjecture,” says Jones, “that thou art a very comical fellow.”--“You mistake me widely, sir,” said the barber: “I am too much addicted to the study of philosophy; _hinc illae lacrymae_, sir; that's my misfortune. Too much learning hath been my ruin.”--“Indeed,” says Jones, “I confess, friend, you have more learning than generally belongs to your trade; but I can't see how it can have injured you.”--“Alas! sir,” answered the shaver, “my father disinherited me for it. He was a dancing-master; and because I could read before I could dance, he took an aversion to me, and left every farthing among his other children.--Will you please to have your temples--O la! I ask your pardon, I fancy there is _hiatus in manuscriptis_. I heard you was going to the wars; but I find it was a mistake.”--“Why do you conclude so?” says Jones. “Sure, sir,” answered the barber, “you are too wise a man to carry a broken head thither; for that would be carrying coals to Newcastle.” “Upon my word,” cries Jones, “thou art a very odd fellow, and I like thy humour extremely; I shall be very glad if thou wilt come to me after dinner, and drink a glass with me; I long to be better acquainted with thee.” “O dear sir!” said the barber, “I can do you twenty times as great a favour, if you will accept of it.”--“What is that, my friend?” cries Jones. “Why, I will drink a bottle with you if you please; for I dearly love good-nature; and as you have found me out to be a comical fellow, so I have no skill in physiognomy, if you are not one of the best-natured gentlemen in the universe.” Jones now walked downstairs neatly drest, and perhaps the fair Adonis was not a lovelier figure; and yet he had no charms for my landlady; for as that good woman did not resemble Venus at all in her person, so neither did she in her taste. Happy had it been for Nanny the chambermaid, if she had seen with the eyes of her mistress, for that poor girl fell so violently in love with Jones in five minutes, that her passion afterwards cost her many a sigh. This Nanny was extremely pretty, and altogether as coy; for she had refused a drawer, and one or two young farmers in the neighbourhood, but the bright eyes of our heroe thawed all her ice in a moment. When Jones returned to the kitchen, his cloth was not yet laid; nor indeed was there any occasion it should, his dinner remaining _in statu quo_, as did the fire which was to dress it. This disappointment might have put many a philosophical temper into a passion; but it had no such effect on Jones. He only gave the landlady a gentle rebuke, saying, “Since it was so difficult to get it heated he would eat the beef cold.” But now the good woman, whether moved by compassion, or by shame, or by whatever other motive, I cannot tell, first gave her servants a round scold for disobeying the orders which she had never given, and then bidding the drawer lay a napkin in the Sun, she set about the matter in good earnest, and soon accomplished it. This Sun, into which Jones was now conducted, was truly named, as _lucus a non lucendo_; for it was an apartment into which the sun had scarce ever looked. It was indeed the worst room in the house; and happy was it for Jones that it was so. However, he was now too hungry to find any fault; but having once satisfied his appetite, he ordered the drawer to carry a bottle of wine into a better room, and expressed some resentment at having been shown into a dungeon. The drawer having obeyed his commands, he was, after some time, attended by the barber, who would not indeed have suffered him to wait so long for his company had he not been listening in the kitchen to the landlady, who was entertaining a circle that she had gathered round her with the history of poor Jones, part of which she had extracted from his own lips, and the other part was her own ingenious composition; for she said “he was a poor parish boy, taken into the house of Squire Allworthy, where he was bred up as an apprentice, and now turned out of doors for his misdeeds, particularly for making love to his young mistress, and probably for robbing the house; for how else should he come by the little money he hath; and this,” says she, “is your gentleman, forsooth!”--“A servant of Squire Allworthy!” says the barber; “what's his name?”--“Why he told me his name was Jones,” says she: “perhaps he goes by a wrong name. Nay, and he told me, too, that the squire had maintained him as his own son, thof he had quarrelled with him now.”--“And if his name be Jones, he told you the truth,” said the barber; “for I have relations who live in that country; nay, and some people say he is his son.”--“Why doth he not go by the name of his father?”--“I can't tell that,” said the barber; “many people's sons don't go by the name of their father.”--“Nay,” said the landlady, “if I thought he was a gentleman's son, thof he was a bye-blow, I should behave to him in another guess manner; for many of these bye-blows come to be great men, and, as my poor first husband used to say, never affront any customer that's a gentleman.”

Chapters

1. Chapter 1 2. BOOK I -- CONTAINING AS MUCH OF THE BIRTH OF THE FOUNDLING AS IS 3. Chapter i -- The introduction to the work, or bill of fare to the 4. Chapter ii -- A short description of squire Allworthy, and a fuller 5. Chapter iii -- An odd accident which befel Mr Allworthy at his return 6. Chapter iv -- The reader's neck brought into danger by a description; 7. Chapter v -- Containing a few common matters, with a very uncommon 8. Chapter vi -- Mrs Deborah is introduced into the parish with a 9. Chapter vii -- Containing such grave matter, that the reader cannot 10. Chapter viii -- A dialogue between Mesdames Bridget and Deborah; 11. Chapter x -- The hospitality of Allworthy; with a short sketch of the 12. Chapter xi -- Containing many rules, and some examples, concerning 13. Chapter xii -- Containing what the reader may, perhaps, expect to find 14. Chapter xiii -- Which concludes the first book; with an instance of 15. BOOK II -- CONTAINING SCENES OF MATRIMONIAL FELICITY IN DIFFERENT 16. Chapter i -- Showing what kind of a history this is; what it is like, 17. Chapter ii -- Religious cautions against showing too much favour to 18. Chapter iii -- The description of a domestic government founded upon 19. Chapter iv -- Containing one of the most bloody battles, or rather 20. Chapter v -- Containing much matter to exercise the judgment and 21. Chapter vi -- The trial of Partridge, the schoolmaster, for 22. Chapter vii -- A short sketch of that felicity which prudent couples 23. Chapter viii -- A receipt to regain the lost affections of a wife, 24. Chapter ix -- A proof of the infallibility of the foregoing receipt, 25. BOOK III -- CONTAINING THE MOST MEMORABLE TRANSACTIONS WHICH PASSED IN 26. Chapter ii -- The heroe of this great history appears with very bad 27. Chapter iii -- The character of Mr Square the philosopher, and of Mr 28. Chapter iv. 29. Chapter v. -- The opinions of the divine and the philosopher 30. Chapter vi -- Containing a better reason still for the 31. Chapter vii -- In which the author himself makes his appearance on the 32. Chapter viii -- A childish incident, in which, however, is seen a 33. Chapter ix -- Containing an incident of a more heinous kind, with the 34. Chapter x -- In which Master Blifil and Jones appear in different 35. Chapter ii -- A short hint of what we can do in the sublime, and a 36. Chapter iii -- Wherein the history goes back to commemorate a trifling 37. Chapter iv -- Containing such very deep and grave matters, that some 38. Chapter vi -- An apology for the insensibility of Mr Jones to all the 39. Chapter viii -- A battle sung by the muse in the Homerican style, and 40. Chapter x -- A story told by Mr Supple, the curate. The penetration of 41. Chapter xi -- The narrow escape of Molly Seagrim, with some 42. Chapter xii -- Containing much clearer matters; but which flowed from 43. Chapter xiii -- A dreadful accident which befel Sophia. The gallant 44. Chapter xiv -- The arrival of a surgeon.--His operations, and a long 45. BOOK V -- CONTAINING A PORTION OF TIME SOMEWHAT LONGER THAN HALF A 46. Chapter i -- Of the SERIOUS in writing, and for what purpose it is 47. Chapter ii -- In which Mr Jones receives many friendly visits during 48. Chapter iii -- Which all who have no heart will think to contain much 49. Chapter iv -- A little chapter, in which is contained a little 50. Chapter vi -- By comparing which with the former, the reader may 51. Chapter ix -- Which, among other things, may serve as a comment on 52. Chapter x -- Showing the truth of many observations of Ovid, and of 53. Chapter xi -- In which a simile in Mr Pope's period of a mile 54. Chapter xii -- In which is seen a more moving spectacle than all the 55. Chapter ii -- The character of Mrs Western. Her great learning and 56. Chapter v -- In which is related what passed between Sophia and her 57. Chapter vi -- Containing a dialogue between Sophia and Mrs Honour, 58. Chapter vii -- A picture of formal courtship in miniature, as it 59. Chapter xi -- A short chapter; but which contains sufficient matter to 60. Chapter xiii -- The behaviour of Sophia on the present occasion; which 61. Chapter xiv -- A short chapter, containing a short dialogue between 62. Chapter ii -- Containing a conversation which Mr Jones had with 63. Chapter vii -- A strange resolution of Sophia, and a more strange 64. Chapter viii -- Containing scenes of altercation, of no very uncommon 65. Chapter ix -- The wise demeanour of Mr Western in the character of a 66. Chapter x -- Containing several matters, natural enough perhaps, but 67. Chapter xiii -- Containing the great address of the landlady, the 68. Chapter xiv -- A most dreadful chapter indeed; and which few readers 69. Chapter i -- A wonderful long chapter concerning the marvellous; being 70. Chapter iv -- In which is introduced one of the pleasantest barbers 71. Chapter vi -- In which more of the talents of Mr Benjamin will appear, 72. Chapter vii -- Containing better reasons than any which have yet 73. Chapter viii -- Jones arrives at Gloucester, and goes to the Bell; the 74. Chapter ix -- Containing several dialogues between Jones and 75. Chapter x -- In which our travellers meet with a very extraordinary 76. Chapter xi -- In which the Man of the Hill begins to relate his 77. Chapter xv -- A brief history of Europe; and a curious discourse 78. Chapter i -- Of those who lawfully may, and of those who may not, 79. Chapter ii -- Containing a very surprizing adventure indeed, which Mr 80. Chapter iii -- The arrival of Mr Jones with his lady at the inn; with 81. Chapter iv -- In which the arrival of a man of war puts a final end to 82. Chapter v -- An apology for all heroes who have good stomachs, with a 83. Chapter vi -- A friendly conversation in the kitchen, which had a very 84. Chapter vii -- Containing a fuller account of Mrs Waters, and by what 85. Chapter i -- Containing instructions very necessary to be perused by 86. Chapter ii -- Containing the arrival of an Irish gentleman, with very 87. Chapter iii -- A dialogue between the landlady and Susan the 88. Chapter iv -- Containing infallible nostrums for procuring universal 89. Chapter v -- Showing who the amiable lady, and her unamiable maid, 90. Chapter vi -- Containing, among other things, the ingenuity of 91. Chapter vii -- In which are concluded the adventures that happened at 92. Chapter ii -- The adventures which Sophia met with after her leaving 93. Chapter iii -- A very short chapter, in which however is a sun, a 94. Chapter vi -- In which the mistake of the landlord throws Sophia into 95. Chapter viii -- A dreadful alarm in the inn, with the arrival of an 96. Chapter ix -- The morning introduced in some pretty writing. A 97. Chapter x -- Containing a hint or two concerning virtue, and a few 98. Chapter i -- Showing what is to be deemed plagiarism in a modern 99. Chapter ii -- In which, though the squire doth not find his daughter, 100. Chapter iii -- The departure of Jones from Upton, with what passed 101. Chapter v -- Containing more adventures which Mr Jones and his 102. Chapter vi -- From which it may be inferred that the best things are 103. Chapter vii -- Containing a remark or two of our own and many more of 104. Chapter viii -- In which fortune seems to have been in a better humour 105. Chapter xi -- The disasters which befel Jones on his departure for 106. Chapter xii -- Relates that Mr Jones continued his journey, contrary 107. Chapter xiv -- What happened to Mr Jones in his journey from St 108. Chapter iii -- A project of Mrs Fitzpatrick, and her visit to Lady 109. Chapter v -- An adventure which happened to Mr Jones at his lodgings, 110. Chapter vi -- What arrived while the company were at breakfast, with 111. Chapter viii -- Containing a scene of distress, which will appear very 112. Chapter ix -- Which treats of matters of a very different kind from 113. Chapter x -- A chapter which, though short, may draw tears from some 114. Chapter i -- An essay to prove that an author will write the better 115. Chapter ii -- Containing letters and other matters which attend 116. Chapter iv -- Which we hope will be very attentively perused by young 117. Chapter vi -- Containing a scene which we doubt not will affect all 118. Chapter viii -- What passed between Jones and old Mr Nightingale; with 119. Chapter iv -- By which it will appear how dangerous an advocate a lady 120. Chapter v -- Containing some matters which may affect, and others 121. Chapter x -- Consisting partly of facts, and partly of observations 122. Chapter ii -- A whimsical adventure which befel the squire, with the 123. Chapter v -- In which Jones receives a letter from Sophia, and goes to 124. Chapter vii -- In which Mr Western pays a visit to his sister, in 125. Chapter iii -- The arrival of Mr Western, with some matters concerning 126. Chapter iii -- Allworthy visits old Nightingale; with a strange 127. Chapter xii -- Approaching still nearer to the end. 128. BOOK I. 129. Chapter i. 130. Chapter ii. 131. Chapter iii. 132. Chapter iv. 133. Chapter v. 134. Chapter vi. 135. Chapter vii. 136. Chapter viii. 137. Chapter ix. 138. Chapter x. 139. Chapter xi. 140. Chapter xii. 141. Chapter xiii. 142. BOOK II. 143. Chapter i. 144. Chapter ii. 145. Chapter iii. 146. Chapter iv. 147. Chapter v. 148. Chapter vi. 149. Chapter vii. 150. Chapter viii. 151. Chapter ix. 152. BOOK III. 153. Chapter i. 154. Chapter ii. 155. Chapter iii. 156. Chapter iv. 157. Chapter v. 158. Chapter vi. 159. Chapter vii. 160. Chapter viii. 161. Chapter ix. 162. Chapter x. 163. BOOK IV. 164. Chapter i. 165. Chapter ii. 166. Chapter iii. 167. Chapter iv. 168. Chapter v. 169. Chapter vi. 170. Chapter vii. 171. Chapter viii. 172. Chapter ix. 173. Chapter x. 174. Chapter xi. 175. Chapter xii. 176. Chapter xiii. 177. Chapter xiv. 178. BOOK V. 179. Chapter i. 180. Chapter ii. 181. Chapter iii. 182. Chapter iv. 183. Chapter v. 184. Chapter vi. 185. Chapter vii. 186. Chapter viii. 187. Chapter ix. 188. Chapter x. 189. Chapter xi. 190. Chapter xii. 191. BOOK VI. 192. Chapter i. 193. Chapter ii. 194. Chapter iii. 195. Chapter iv. 196. Chapter v. 197. Chapter vi. 198. Chapter vii. 199. Chapter viii. 200. Chapter ix. 201. Chapter x. 202. Chapter xi. 203. Chapter xii. 204. Chapter xiii. 205. Chapter xiv. 206. BOOK VII. 207. Chapter i. 208. Chapter ii. 209. Chapter iii. 210. Chapter iv. 211. Chapter v. 212. Chapter vi. 213. Chapter vii. 214. Chapter viii. 215. Chapter ix. 216. Chapter x. 217. Chapter xi. 218. Chapter xii. 219. Chapter xiii. 220. Chapter xiv. 221. Chapter xv. 222. BOOK VIII. 223. Chapter i. 224. Chapter ii. 225. Chapter iii. 226. Chapter iv. 227. Chapter v. 228. Chapter vi. 229. Chapter vii. 230. Chapter viii. 231. Chapter ix. 232. Chapter x. 233. Chapter xi. 234. 1657. My father was one of those whom they call gentlemen farmers. He 235. Chapter xii. 236. Chapter xiii. 237. Chapter xiv. 238. Chapter xv. 239. BOOK IX. 240. Chapter i. 241. Chapter ii. 242. Chapter iii. 243. Chapter iv. 244. Chapter v. 245. Chapter vi. 246. Chapter vii. 247. BOOK X. 248. Chapter i. 249. Chapter ii. 250. Chapter iii. 251. Chapter iv. 252. Chapter v. 253. Chapter vi. 254. Chapter vii. 255. Chapter viii. 256. Chapter ix. 257. BOOK XI. 258. Chapter i. 259. Chapter ii. 260. Chapter iii. 261. Chapter iv. 262. Chapter v. 263. Chapter vi. 264. Chapter vii. 265. Chapter viii. 266. Chapter ix. 267. Chapter x. 268. BOOK XII. 269. Chapter i. 270. Chapter ii. 271. Chapter iii. 272. Chapter iv. 273. Chapter v. 274. Chapter vi. 275. Chapter vii. 276. Chapter viii. 277. Chapter ix. 278. Chapter x. 279. Chapter xi. 280. Chapter xii. 281. Chapter xiii. 282. Chapter xiv. 283. BOOK XIII. 284. Chapter i. 285. Chapter ii. 286. Chapter iii. 287. Chapter iv. 288. Chapter v. 289. Chapter vi. 290. Chapter vii. 291. Chapter viii. 292. Chapter ix. 293. Chapter x. 294. Chapter xi. 295. Chapter xii. 296. BOOK XIV. 297. Chapter i. 298. Chapter ii. 299. Chapter iii. 300. introduction, began the following speech:--“I am very sorry, sir, to 301. Chapter iv. 302. Chapter v. 303. Chapter vi. 304. Chapter vii. 305. Chapter viii. 306. Chapter ix. 307. Chapter x. 308. BOOK XV. 309. Chapter i. 310. Chapter ii. 311. Chapter iii. 312. Chapter iv. 313. Chapter v. 314. Chapter vi. 315. Chapter vii. 316. Chapter viii. 317. Chapter ix. 318. Chapter x. 319. Chapter xi. 320. Chapter xii. 321. BOOK XVI. 322. Chapter i. 323. Chapter ii. 324. Chapter iii. 325. Chapter iv. 326. Chapter v. 327. Chapter vi. 328. Chapter vii. 329. Chapter viii. 330. Chapter ix. 331. Chapter x. 332. BOOK XVII. 333. Chapter i. 334. Chapter ii. 335. Chapter iii. 336. Chapter iv. 337. Chapter v. 338. Chapter vi. 339. Chapter vii. 340. Chapter viii. 341. Chapter ix. 342. BOOK XVIII. 343. Chapter i. 344. Chapter ii. 345. Chapter iii. 346. Chapter iv. 347. Chapter v. 348. Chapter vi. 349. Chapter vii. 350. Chapter viii. 351. Chapter ix. 352. Chapter x. 353. Chapter xi. 354. Chapter xii.

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