Life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain

Chapter 108

1253 words  |  Chapter 108

Hygiene and Sentiment THEY bury their dead in vaults, above the ground. These vaults have a resemblance to houses--sometimes to temples; are built of marble, generally; are architecturally graceful and shapely; they face the walks and driveways of the cemetery; and when one moves through the midst of a thousand or so of them and sees their white roofs and gables stretching into the distance on every hand, the phrase 'city of the dead' has all at once a meaning to him. Many of the cemeteries are beautiful, and are kept in perfect order. When one goes from the levee or the business streets near it, to a cemetery, he observes to himself that if those people down there would live as neatly while they are alive as they do after they are dead, they would find many advantages in it; and besides, their quarter would be the wonder and admiration of the business world. Fresh flowers, in vases of water, are to be seen at the portals of many of the vaults: placed there by the pious hands of bereaved parents and children, husbands and wives, and renewed daily. A milder form of sorrow finds its inexpensive and lasting remembrancer in the coarse and ugly but indestructible 'immortelle'--which is a wreath or cross or some such emblem, made of rosettes of black linen, with sometimes a yellow rosette at the conjunction of the cross's bars--kind of sorrowful breast-pin, so to say. The immortelle requires no attention: you just hang it up, and there you are; just leave it alone, it will take care of your grief for you, and keep it in mind better than you can; stands weather first-rate, and lasts like boiler-iron. On sunny days, pretty little chameleons--gracefullest of legged reptiles--creep along the marble fronts of the vaults, and catch flies. Their changes of color--as to variety--are not up to the creature's reputation. They change color when a person comes along and hangs up an immortelle; but that is nothing: any right-feeling reptile would do that. I will gradually drop this subject of graveyards. I have been trying all I could to get down to the sentimental part of it, but I cannot accomplish it. I think there is no genuinely sentimental part to it. It is all grotesque, ghastly, horrible. Graveyards may have been justifiable in the bygone ages, when nobody knew that for every dead body put into the ground, to glut the earth and the plant-roots, and the air with disease-germs, five or fifty, or maybe a hundred persons must die before their proper time; but they are hardly justifiable now, when even the children know that a dead saint enters upon a century-long career of assassination the moment the earth closes over his corpse. It is a grim sort of a thought. The relics of St. Anne, up in Canada, have now, after nineteen hundred years, gone to curing the sick by the dozen. But it is merest matter-of-course that these same relics, within a generation after St. Anne's death and burial, _made _several thousand people sick. Therefore these miracle-performances are simply compensation, nothing more. St. Anne is somewhat slow pay, for a Saint, it is true; but better a debt paid after nineteen hundred years, and outlawed by the statute of limitations, than not paid at all; and most of the knights of the halo do not pay at all. Where you find one that pays--like St. Anne--you find a hundred and fifty that take the benefit of the statute. And none of them pay any more than the principal of what they owe--they pay none of the interest either simple or compound. A Saint can never _quite _return the principal, however; for his dead body _kills _people, whereas his relics _heal _only--they never restore the dead to life. That part of the account is always left unsettled. 'Dr. F. Julius Le Moyne, after fifty years of medical practice, wrote: “The inhumation of human bodies, dead from infectious diseases, results in constantly loading the atmosphere, and polluting the waters, with not only the germs that rise from simply putrefaction, but also with the _specific_ germs of the diseases from which death resulted.” 'The gases (from buried corpses) will rise to the surface through eight or ten feet of gravel, just as coal-gas will do, and there is practically no limit to their power of escape. 'During the epidemic in New Orleans in 1853, Dr. E. H. Barton reported that in the Fourth District the mortality was four hundred and fifty-two per thousand--more than double that of any other. In this district were three large cemeteries, in which during the previous year more than three thousand bodies had been buried. In other districts the proximity of cemeteries seemed to aggravate the disease. 'In 1828 Professor Bianchi demonstrated how the fearful reappearance of the plague at Modena was caused by excavations in ground where, _three hundred years previously_, the victims of the pestilence had been buried. Mr. Cooper, in explaining the causes of some epidemics, remarks that the opening of the plague burial-grounds at Eyam resulted in an immediate outbreak of disease.'--_North American Review, No. 3, Vol. 135._ In an address before the Chicago Medical Society, in advocacy of cremation, Dr. Charles W. Purdy made some striking comparisons to show what a burden is laid upon society by the burial of the dead:-- 'One and one-fourth times more money is expended annually in funerals in the United States than the Government expends for public-school purposes. Funerals cost this country in 1880 enough money to pay the liabilities of all the commercial failures in the United States during the same year, and give each bankrupt a capital of $8,630 with which to resume business. Funerals cost annually more money than the value of the combined gold and silver yield of the United States in the year 1880! These figures do not include the sums invested in burial-grounds and expended in tombs and monuments, nor the loss from depreciation of property in the vicinity of cemeteries.' For the rich, cremation would answer as well as burial; for the ceremonies connected with it could be made as costly and ostentatious as a Hindu suttee; while for the poor, cremation would be better than burial, because so cheap {footnote [Four or five dollars is the minimum cost.]}--so cheap until the poor got to imitating the rich, which they would do by-and-bye. The adoption of cremation would relieve us of a muck of threadbare burial-witticisms; but, on the other hand, it would resurrect a lot of mildewed old cremation-jokes that have had a rest for two thousand years. I have a colored acquaintance who earns his living by odd jobs and heavy manual labor. He never earns above four hundred dollars in a year, and as he has a wife and several young children, the closest scrimping is necessary to get him through to the end of the twelve months debtless. To such a man a funeral is a colossal financial disaster. While I was writing one of the preceding chapters, this man lost a little child. He walked the town over with a friend, trying to find a coffin that was within his means. He bought the very cheapest one he could find, plain wood, stained. It cost him twenty-six dollars. It would have cost less than four, probably, if it had been built to put something useful into. He and his family will feel that outlay a good many months.

Chapters

1. Chapter 1 2. CHAPTER I. The Mississippi is Well worth Reading about.--It is 3. CHAPTER II. La Salle again Appears, and so does a Cat-fish.--Buffaloes 4. CHAPTER III. A little History.--Early Commerce.--Coal Fleets and Timber 5. CHAPTER IV. The Boys' Ambition.--Village Scenes.--Steamboat Pictures. 6. CHAPTER VI. Besieging the Pilot.--Taken along.--Spoiling a Nap.--Fishing 7. CHAPTER VII. River Inspectors.--Cottonwoods and Plum Point.--Hat-Island 8. CHAPTER VIII. A Heavy-loaded Big Gun.--Sharp Sights in 9. CHAPTER IX. Shake the Reef.--Reason Dethroned.--The Face of the Water. 10. CHAPTER X. Putting on Airs.--Taken down a bit.--Learn it as it is.--The 11. CHAPTER XI. In thg Tract Business.--Effects of the Rise.--Plantations 12. CHAPTER XII. Low Water.--Yawl sounding.--Buoys and Lanterns.--Cubs and 13. CHAPTER XIII. A Pilot's Memory.--Wages soaring.--A Universal 14. CHAPTER XIV. Pilots and Captains.--High-priced Pilots.--Pilots in 15. CHAPTER XV. New Pilots undermining the Pilots' Association.--Crutches 16. CHAPTER XVI. All Aboard.--A Glorious Start.--Loaded to Win.--Bands and 17. CHAPTER XVII. Cut-offs.--Ditching and Shooting.--Mississippi Changes.--A 18. CHAPTER XVIII. Sharp Schooling.--Shadows.--I am Inspected.--Where did 19. CHAPTER XIX. A Question of Veracity.--A Little Unpleasantness.--I have 20. CHAPTER XX. I become a Passenger.--We hear the News.--A Thunderous 21. CHAPTER XXI. I get my License.--The War Begins.--I become a 22. CHAPTER XXII. I try the Alias Business.--Region of Goatees--Boots begin 23. CHAPTER XXIII. Old French Settlements.--We start for Memphis.--Young 24. CHAPTER XXIV. I receive some Information.--Alligator Boats.--Alligator 25. CHAPTER XXV. The Devil's Oven and Table.--A Bombshell falls.--No 26. CHAPTER XXVI. War Talk.--I Tilt over Backwards.--Fifteen Shot-holes.--A 27. CHAPTER XXVII. Tourists and their Note-books.--Captain Hall.--Mrs. 28. CHAPTER XXVIII. Swinging down the River.--Named for Me.--Plum Point 29. CHAPTER XXIX. Murel's Gang.--A Consummate Villain.--Getting Rid of 30. CHAPTER XXX. A Melancholy Picture.--On the Move.--River Gossip.--She 31. CHAPTER XXXI. Mutinous Language.--The Dead-house.--Cast-iron German and 32. CHAPTER XXXII. Ritter's Narrative.--A Question of 33. CHAPTER XXXIII. A Question of Division.--A Place where there was 34. CHAPTER XXXIV. An Austere Man.--A Mosquito Policy.--Facts dressed in 35. CHAPTER XXXV. Signs and Scars.--Cannon-thunder Rages.--Cave-dwellers. 36. CHAPTER XXXVI. The Professor Spins a Yarn.--An Enthusiast in Cattle.--He 37. CHAPTER XXXVII. A Terrible Disaster.--The “Gold Dust” explodes her 38. CHAPTER XXXVIII. Mr. Dickens has a Word.--Best Dwellings and 39. CHAPTER XXXIX. Rowdies and Beauty.--Ice as Jewelry.--Ice 40. CHAPTER XL. In Flowers, like a Bride.--A White-washed Castle.--A 41. CHAPTER XLI. The Approaches to New Orleans.--A Stirring 42. CHAPTER XLII. Beautiful Grave-yards.--Chameleons and 43. CHAPTER XLIII. I meet an Acquaintance.--Coffins and Swell Houses.--Mrs. 44. CHAPTER XLIV. French and Spanish Parts of the City.--Mr. Cable and the 45. CHAPTER XLV. “Waw” Talk.--Cock-Fighting.--Too Much to Bear.--Fine 46. CHAPTER XLVI. Mardi-Gras.--The Mystic Crewe.--Rex and Relics.--Sir 47. CHAPTER XLVII. Uncle Remus.--The Children Disappointed.--We Read Aloud. 48. CHAPTER XLVIII. Tight Curls and Springy Steps.--Steam-plows.--“No. I.” 49. CHAPTER XLIX. Pilot-Farmers.--Working on Shares.--Consequences.--Men who 50. CHAPTER L. A Patriarch.--Leaves from a Diary.--A Tongue-stopper.--The 51. CHAPTER LI. A Fresh “Cub” at the Wheel.--A Valley Storm.--Some Remarks 52. CHAPTER LII. I Collar an Idea.--A Graduate of Harvard.--A Penitent 53. CHAPTER LIII. A Masterly Retreat.--A Town at Rest.--Boyhood's 54. CHAPTER LIV. A Special Judgment.--Celestial Interest.--A Night of 55. CHAPTER LV. A second Generation.--A hundred thousand Tons of Saddles.--A 56. CHAPTER LVI. Perverted History--A Guilty Conscience.--A Supposititious 57. CHAPTER LVII. A Model Town.--A Town that Comes up to Blow in the Summer. 58. CHAPTER LVIII. An Independent Race.--Twenty-four-hour Towns.--Enchanting 59. CHAPTER LIX. Indian Traditions and Rattlesnakes.--A Three-ton 60. CHAPTER LX. The Head of Navigation.--From Roses to Snow.--Climatic 61. Chapter 61 62. Chapter 62 63. Chapter 63 64. Chapter 64 65. Chapter 65 66. Chapter 66 67. Chapter 67 68. Chapter 68 69. Chapter 69 70. Chapter 70 71. Chapter 71 72. Chapter 72 73. Chapter 73 74. Chapter 74 75. Chapter 75 76. Chapter 76 77. Chapter 77 78. Chapter 78 79. Chapter 79 80. Chapter 80 81. Chapter 81 82. Chapter 82 83. Chapter 83 84. Chapter 84 85. Chapter 85 86. Chapter 86 87. Chapter 87 88. Chapter 88 89. 1. Some believed in the Commission's scheme to arbitrarily and 90. 2. Some believed that the Commission's money ought to be spent only on 91. 3. Some believed that the higher you build your levee, the higher the 92. 4. Some believed in the scheme to relieve the river, in flood-time, by 93. 5. Some believed in the scheme of northern lake-reservoirs to replenish 94. Chapter 94 95. Chapter 95 96. Chapter 96 97. introduction of me. The man's eyes opened slowly, and glittered wickedly 98. Chapter 98 99. Chapter 99 100. Chapter 100 101. Chapter 101 102. Chapter 102 103. Chapter 103 104. Chapter 104 105. Chapter 105 106. Chapter 106 107. Chapter 107 108. Chapter 108 109. Chapter 109 110. Chapter 110 111. Chapter 111 112. Chapter 112 113. Chapter 113 114. Chapter 114 115. Chapter 115 116. Chapter 116 117. Chapter 117 118. Chapter 118 119. Chapter 119 120. Chapter 120 121. Chapter 121 122. Chapter 122 123. Chapter 123 124. Chapter 124 125. Chapter 125 126. Chapter 126

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